Sammie

I cant date you.

2012-02-01T15:50:00.002+08:00

This is a post to add on to fontaine's one. I thought that it was fun so i wanted to try to make one myself!~

1) I cant date you if you DUNNO HOW TO DRESS!

apparently i just can't take it that some guys REALLY do not know how to dress up.

2)I cant date you if you are too handsome.

DON ASK ME WHY, just the way i am. heee too shuai i cannot uh.

3) I cant date you if your too girly.

Apparently you must be sporty. heheheh! just the way i like it.

4)I cant date you if you are too sticky and over possessive.

Self explanatory.

5) I cant date you if you are too LAME ^^

Can take lame guys, i like kao beh guys ^^

Oh well. cant think of more. lazy to think too! hehehehe!

Time for a few changes!

2012-01-31T22:54:00.002+08:00

Now that things are different and that its a new year, there must be some changes! ^^
Time for a happier blog skin! See also more shuang to my eyes.

LOL! for now, i wanna do some reflecting. Haven been doing that for a long time.

Im not really emo. but jsut wanna do some thinking by myself.

Its been long time since i was emotionally unstable.

I guess you can say that i'm much better now. Trust and thinking wise.

But it has been long since i need reassuring.

Not saying that i need it lah, just want to think to make myself sad first.

Me and Pon had a huge, er, debate? about me going overseas.

I really am not sure whether should i go anymore.

My decisions are much influenced and affected. So i need to think what do i really want.

Wendy always says that i know what i want, just that i want confirmation.

I know that this is a bad habit of mine that i rely on people opinion. Im just scared that i make the wrong decisions.

I really dunno what to do and am at a lost sometimes.

I cannot promise much to Pon. Cause i know what is it like to face reality when it doesnt happen.

He is like a time bomb that can go off anytime.

He doesnt give me any peace.

In a way, this is kinda fun, a never boring relationship. An unhealthy one. But also, this bomb can go off anytime.

That day that i went to hong hwee house on our 1st month.

I know that it was wrong for me to want to go there on our 1st month, but i really wanted to see his parents. I know that Pon wont get it why would i want to see his parents. And he would rather i don't have anything to do with him at all.

But his parents was really nice to me when we were together. Not comparing. Its two separated period.

Seeing hong hwee and casey together, i didnt feel a thing. this is probably something that i wanted to test out for a long time. I had never had the chance to see them together, so one can never be too sure how would you feel unless faced with that situation head on.

This was something that i really wanted to do.

Honestly i do take into consideration whatever Pon says.

I feel that the Lord brought him to me to teach me the evils of the world.

How to be more realistic. I can't possible care about everyone that doesnt give a shit.

And i am here to help him through his troubles.

Hmmm, honestly right, knowing that he has a lot of problems, i also quite surprise that he hasnt started smoking yet.

The only thing that heng he is not a heavy smoker.

I don't mind the occasional puff, but i don want him to rely on it.

Whats life if your always safe, but don do something that is killing yourself.

Im a selfish girl. I just want to do things that i think its right.

So far, he always says that im a heartbreaker, i agree. hee.

I don't consider his feelings when i make decisions.

China, 1st month. are just some examples of my selfishness.

oh well. if this doesnt last. i know that the pain would be even worst than the first one.

I don believe that im destine for eternal happiness. something somewhere sure will cock up due to me.

Pon said that if i were to go jsut to test our relationship, it will backfire.

The thought that i'm held back, makes me want to go even more.

But seeing what am i leaving behind hold me back.

I haven made my decision to leave or stay and i feel like im pressured to make one now.

I really don wanna think till its time to think. i still have loads of time.

I am getting itchy. fontaine wants to club. hmm. gotta find time for that too.

Headache. feels like the combination of the past and present is pressuring my weak mind.

oh well. need to think by myself again. :)

2012-01-16T19:03:00.002+08:00

It's been some time since I blogged. Everything has been going fine but have been busy.
With school, training, IVP, having a new boyfriend. There are alot of things to juggle now.

School has been hectic with the rushing of projects and work. Then common test and reports due. Life would never be boring with the amount of work that we are given to complete.

I have to get my life in shape. i have mixed up priorities that will not only harm myself, but my group mates who are very nice to me. :) Fontaine especially is my savior in poly. Without her, i might as well screw a lot of things up.

Im now together with jing xiang.

And honestly right. it was great. the starting was great.

He is a damn sweet guy that is very nice to me, and he made the asking of me to be his girlfriend, so romantic and high class. I had to wear a nice dress. Something that i never experience before. :) every time i spend with him, i will like him more and more.

Never knew what is love. still not sure about it. But as long as this thing last, why not?

I can safely say that im trying my best. more than in the past.

And also if i don't, all i can say is that we wont last.

This takes more effort than i thought it would.

I want to be there for him, but its hard cause i don't know what is the right thing to say. I may not be always free. Sometimes it just sucks the energy out of me that i am not sure that i can carry on. I never felt so helpless or lost.

He say he wants to control the relationship, instead of me, i guess he is already.

The mood of the relationship depends on him now. I am not going to add any conflict or mayhem to it. i just wanted a peaceful life.

I wanted peaceful life for a long time now. Honestly if things between me and him do not work out, then i really do not want to have a boyfriend for a long time.

I know that i will have the chance in the future, but i really do not want it now.

I get headaches almost constantly now. i just want to avoid the problems.

I don want to give up, but the headache im getting is hard to concentrate.

i have never been a fighter in this issues. never been someone who wants to stay too long when everything get too tough. In training in studies i can be strong, but in this i am not.

He was there when i needed him, i want to be there when he needs me, but i really dunno what to say. I am scared to say anything wrong that will make things even worst.

I have to admit, what Samuel said did effect me, it made me feel like what kind of a girlfriend am i. I only have a limit to my ability to care, i already said that before. And he is doing so much for me, i am afraid i cannot give back. and that if we one day break up, will he become even worst?

I don't want that on my hands.

Now i really just want to get away from all this problems.

I spend time sleeping so that i don't have to think about any of the problems.

Problems that could render everything to nothing.

Right now im having a headache.

At least i have rugby now that can relieve all my stress.

IVP is here! we have a match with SP!!! ^^

I cant wait to try my best. :)

I love him, but i don believe that, that is enough.

I wish this was my first relationship, the fighting spirit would have been much more stronger.

Christmas eve

2011-12-24T12:32:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas season!
Love this holiday :) season of giving :)
I hope that everyone would be happy!

I wished I have loads of money so that I can give everyone something to make them smile :)

I know that money isn't everything but it is something needed in life~

I'm glad that Pon liked the gift though :) I really like his gift! He didn't believe lo!

Oh well! Wanna make the most out of this year.
Honestly all I can say is that Pon is the best thing that happened to me this year.
This year honestly sucked and i really didn't expect much. I just wanted to like get it over and done with this year. Start and new year and everything will be better :)
God is good to me to let me meet Pon.
Time and time again I sort of challenged him like, if I was really meant to be with Pon, prove it.
This feel like so surreal that sometimes I don't know whether it's a game/dream/expectation/reality.
He is so going to scold me for this but honestly, I don ever expect this in my life.
I really don't want to screw this up, in relationship I have the tendency to :(
He is always there for me, he takes all my insecurities and told me its ok, making me feel loved :)
Although that he always say that he is emotionless and all. But it's good enough for me.
I dunno what is love, I will just try and do what I feel like doing.

LOL! I wonder how long we will last when we get together! But this kind of thing, leave it to the future ba to think :)
I promise not to think about it! Cause after that time of crying. I don want to think anymore >< I don want to fight! So tiring. I don wanna win, there is no point.
Last time I always wanted to win. Like there must be a winner.
But I don want it to be that way anymore.

Another issue that I wanted to say was that hong Hwee fought with Casey so Jia lat cause he don let her stay over? So weird lo!
People will ask me why I'm talking about this but still! Curious mah.
I don get it why he won't let her, and after that she got sensitive and asked whether did I stay over.
I mean don break up because of this lah -.- come on! It has nothing to do with me anymore.
She is ruining things lo. Hiaz.
I feel bad for him. Although I don really treat him like a very close friend but still~
Chang hong asked me whether I would want him if he were to come back.

To be honest i cannot say an outright no, but i don think i want.

I can see that it would not make any difference.

Both of us would not be happy.

Si hao also answered for me a no. LOL~ so si hao.

Every time i do think of this, i get mixed feelings. i know its not the feeling of wanting to get back. more like nostalgic, a missing ba. i miss the old him, thats all. But honestly, this issues i dont want to think about it till the time comes. hopefully it doesn't though.

LOL! IVP IS HERE!

Need to work hard. Honestly i am really lazy to train for ivp cause of the level of commitment and its really tiring. the last training, i can even see our captain really tired. JOELYN LEH! LOL. And some more, i didn't had enough sleep. Can die.

After this IVP, im not sure if i want to continue to the next Polite. Probably Polite, but after that, maybe i won't go for the IVP. that would be during my internship. and if i go overseas then how? :) its ok. I had my chances already :)

Another thing now a days is that i cannot take richard whining. LOL!

I wonder how is he going ti survive NS sia. LOL.

This is my blog, so i just wanna rant.

LOL! not only time lah, i cannot take it when people like eat and don put away the stuff they eat in my house. i will scold them one. All my older friends, longer friends will know one. i just cannot take it and i dont like it, im not your maid. PEACE OUT!

2011-12-13T23:58:00.002+08:00

Certain things i may think that it is still moving too fast.

GODDAMIT~! i need to study.

I really don think i can concentrate with Pon here. LOL.

Not that i don want him here, just too much of a distraction.

i think soon when we are together for a longer period of time, it will get better.

Probably we will get more use to each other and will not stick too much to each other?

I always said that i hate guys that stick, and that im not the kind of girl that sticks, but why in this case is it so different?

Everything is so perfect now, wonder when it will all come crashing down?

I dunno how to see things, although i really want to like one day by one day take things as it comes, but im kinda scared that this perfect feel is not going to last.

We will get sick of each other... that sort of things.

All it takes is one of us to get sian, and then everything will start spiraling down.

In any case, i hope its not me who will be sian first. I really wish it was him.

I don want everything to repeat again.

I rather be the one who gets tiring, then being the one tired.

if my english makes any sense at all.

He makes me happy. :) I hope that i can make him happy too.

in the past relationship, i use to think very much on friend view.

So much that i neglected hong hwee alot.

This time i don wanna do that, i want to take in consideration of his feelings.

He also gives me alot of space. but sometimes i feel sad that if richard and fontaine says that they don have anyone to pei them for like special occasion.

Like richard told me about count down. like sad that i wasn't single, ok, we are not together yet, but you get the drift.

Sometimes i wish i could be there for them, but now its difficult. Not that im complaining much, but i wish there was more that i could do.

CT~ cant really be bothered.

I just want to prove something. that im not dumb.

I don want to be left behind, free loader. those stuff.

I wasn't in secondary school.

Hiaz. i still dunno what is serene doing with her life.

Break up, patch, break up patch.

WTF LO.

CAN PEOPLE JUST FREAKING FIND WHAT THEY WANT! -.-

They are not making any sense. hiaz...

Life i wish was simple, but apparently with friends like this, its never going to be that simple.

You tell me not to care also cannot.

I wanna know what is the future, because if it holds sadness then i'll leave.

But if staying makes you happy then i will :)

You let me learn a whole new way in looking at a relationship.

Thanks for keep reminding me that you are not hong hwee. :)

You two are different. i don want to mix you guys up.

Fontiane is emoing now. i dunno how to help her. hiaz.. i will try smsing her. hope she feels better!

I'm tired

2011-12-12T19:47:00.001+08:00

Wah tired from exam now~
Need to study more.
I want to show people that I can do it cause I believe that everyone don think that I can. Only people in my secondary school seems to believe in me. Or have trust in me.
Not that i can blame them. Just sucks lah.
Sian sian sian.

Hiaz. Maybe need time alone. Lol!
Need to study.

This is getting too deep.

2011-12-12T19:41:00.001+08:00

Days past by and Jing Xiang and me are still texting.
Hahahas I can't say that I don like him.
But I'm Scared to say i do.

He has alot of issues that he has to get over also.
One of things I am worried about is that, if he and his ex has gone through so much and he didn't stay.
Why would he stay if we got together?
I know you can't put 2 and 2 together. It's totally different cases.

As this get deeper, my heart starts to beat again. It was like I placed my heart in ice after hong Hwee.
Then now that it's beating, there is fear for the future, pain from the past, and excitement from the present. All this mixed up, I'm afraid that I get all the feelings mixed up.
This was the reason why I didn't want to, or tried to not put so much feelings in it.
I guess I won't till he is ready, then it becomes real that I have to consider it. For now he isn't even ready why should I get myself thinking and ready right?

There so much that happened.
But everything happened for a reason.

2011-12-01T13:15:00.002+08:00

Long time since i blogged.

Oh well. ahhahs! Life has been much better now.

School has been better as all of us are closer now. We are really like more clique as we do go out and have fun.

Richard and sin joo is abit sad case now.

Im not sure what happened. but i do believe in that feeling cannot be forced. if it comes it comes.

Im very happy with Pon now.

We're not together, im not even sure what we are. but to be honest it doesnt really matter what we are.

ITs just the feeling i have with him.

To be honest again, i really am not use to being in a relationship kinda feel. im scared of it.

I hate feeling like this. really. hiaz... i wanna to be perfect and ok for him.

I was being unfair when he promised that he won't leave but i cant promise the same.

After the last relationship, i have no promise to anyone that i can stay.

Or whether i will stay.

SOmehow i think running would be a better option for me. I tried to make hong hwee stayed and that failed.

Before him, i really didnt believe that anyone could like me that much anymore.

One thing that really attracted me was the sincerity of his words.

His care and he didnt want to trick me.

I dunno how over i am over the past. but im not going to keep from going to the future.

looking at the bears now, its hard to tell what im feeling.

Given a choice, i still would want to make up for the mistakes that i made.

But to be honest, if making up for the mistakes means that i wont meet Pon, i dont think its worth it.

Its like God wanted me to meet him. i dunno why, its like its all been planned and carried out. A lot of things is just, fated.

I don want to think too much on this line, but i trust in God ^^.

I wonder how is he now, although to be honest i really dont wish to see him or let him know what is happening to me.

i want to just do my own things.

i have told the guys and my closer friends about Pon, i don want to be like those friends that just tell after that they got together. i want them to know first. ^^ like cause they matter alot to me.

Sometimes i wonder why Pon liked me.

He doesnt know that he can get a lot of other girls, other girls that is not scared, not chor lor, whose heart and mind is more stable for him. I am not stable, not strong, i may not even stay to fight. Why would i make you happy?

why would you wanna try so hard for me?

before that i believe i was worth it to be honest, but after all i done in the past, i dont think i am.

But i thank God that i met you, that you made me feel so much better.

i may not be strong enough or have the will power to fight. but i wanna to make you feel better at least if i decided to leave. your happiness will be something i wish to hope help you achieve. something that is not because of me only, but because of yourself.

This is getting too deep.

2011-11-06T09:48:00.001+08:00

What are they doing -.-

2011-10-26T09:37:00.001+08:00

My stupid friends. Dunno what the heck are they doing.

Say don want get back together then after that do stupid things. My gawd. Hiaz.

2 heart broken person should not be together supporting each other crazy ideas. It won't end well -.-

I need to reel serene back in again. Hiaz!!! She ah! I wish she wouldn't do all this stupid things to make things so hard.

I dunno leh. In drama would be nice to watch but in real life it's a totally different thing! LOL! But If it was a drama, I as a friend would totally beat her lah! Lol. Life is getting more interesting with fontaine, Clare, serene, Glendon, Shu hui, Richard, Wendy and her class and sin Joo. And of course Pon.

LOL! And I thought that life wouldn't have so much things after hong Hwee. I guess I was wrong man! LOL! Second year is so much better then the first. Hahaha!

For Glendon, as a friend, as much as I love him, he is an idiot -.-
You hurt the girl so much and you expect her to come back so fast?
Of course she will run as try to push you away!
Then just because she call another guy you come back and act like a boss? LOL! Joke! You wanna win her, show more determination then that! And if you lose then lose with grace. Don come and all the vulgar come out.
It's your fault man. You should accept the consequences.
Still tell me wont da break go Stan!
Hahahahah!

Oh well! Others can't say much! But this year is going to be an awesome one!

Like a pussy.

2011-10-23T20:02:00.001+08:00

Tmr there is work and I am so sian of going to work Liao. I wonder whether there is a point to continue. Hmm.

Anyways. I was reading through me and kc text. And I realized where went wrong.

I don want the same thing to happen between pon and me. But you can never know right?

I don understand why am I so reluctant. Why am I so scared? I just have this urge to always run away. I don wanna hurt anyone anymore. Better off alone then with someone.

But I know this is stupid and I should myself a chance. I'm just scared of the consequences. :(
Pon is a great guy to talk to and hang out. He will be a great friend :)
I wonder what will happen in the future but no one knows :)

Short term goal.
Get through Tmr :)

Hit me again.

2011-10-22T16:12:00.001+08:00

Today hectic day. Went to Idare afterglow for a few hours then need to head to east coast for roller blading.

Always late is me.

I am very tired cause this few days keep staying up late to talk to Jing Xiang.
He is very nice to talk to. :)

I just dunno. :) I like it where we are now. I know he likes me. But he is not pushing me to do anything :)

To be honest, once I feel I'm being pressured I will just run away.
I dunno why am I so scared of being in a relationship again.

It was cause of me the first one failed, I dunno should I try again. To some it's so easy to just try, but for me it it's kinda hard.

I wanna get to know him more. I wanna see how far would this relationship go. :)

I'm scared that if he knows me more, the interest will be gone.
I am so much nicer as a best friend then a lover. I never want to rush into anything. I never want to be like Hwee and his girl.

I know Its childish to have this dislike for younger guys just because of him. I don wan to have such childish thinking. I will get it a try if I have feelings :)

Now let us take it slow. Even if it doesn't work out, I think he will make a great friend :)

I dunno what i can say about myself.

2011-10-18T23:49:00.003+08:00

I just dunno what are people trying to do now anymore.

Days at work were horrid due to the fact that calvin choose not to talk to me anymore.

So fucking childish.

Cannot put behind us meh? How old are you man!?

She dun like you is because you were dumb lah. seriously.

Hiaz. I ask Nor whether if she didn't like her working place would she quit or not.

She told me is whether how much could i handle.

She was scared that i wanted to quit. honestly i really want to sometimes.

But to me, i don want to quit just because of this lame reason.

I really like working there. the pay is normal, but we do less shit work then crabtree.

And that we get good incentives which i didnt know till sin joo told me. -.-

I realize that alot of things that has to do with money i didn't know.

Like going idare we get paid! LOL!

Anyways jowena last time told me to consider jing xiang. LOL!

She told me that he is a really nice guy. and she told me that she thinks that he likes me.

Following that, when i went to eat lunch with nor, she also told me the same thing. LOL

I told her everything that happened and she told me that she didnt like the fact they make us kiss on the cheeks.

Oh well. i just said that i wish i didnt like calvin in the first place. si bei sian.

And that he is immature to like let this feud continue.

she told me that she knows that jing xiang likes me.

LOL she told me that he went to prep himself up before i came in! SO DAMN FUNNY!

ahhhhhhhhhhh well ><

Im kinda scared now. i have worst taste in guys.

Jing Xiang was damn sweet.

He actually willingly switched his shift with me and ended up missing the soccer game!

LOL. i ever heard before that if a guy who is like him, a fan, is willing to miss soccer for you, he must really like you.

But i feel so damn guilty lah! my gawd :(

And during sunday when he is not working, i told him i very sian lah, cause calvin working.

Heng not same shift but still have to be silent and cannot talk very xin ku.

I cannot don't talk one! can die!

Then he told me to think of him and i will see him.

At first i didn't relaly think much about it.

But while i was cutting paper, he suddenly was infront of me and said, "are you thinking of me?"

I jumped sia! LOL! scared me!

but then he bought Gong Cha for me :)

That really brightened up my day. Seriously.

The day was like terrible for me until that moment.

He is a very nice and interesting guy to talk to.

He is one kind of guy i haven met yet.

Everyone says that my heart is moved to easily.

I agree. sian.

And after the Calvin thing. im even more scared.

I am like forcing myself to be more cold hearted so that i don moved so easily.

:) he is a very sweet boy. i like to talk to him alot. which is why im kinda scared.

I don wanna hurt myself again. i don wanna be easy like everyone said.

They say if your too easy, guys don treasure you.

Whatever lah.

I don want to lose the first trust you give to people. i don want to judge and be wary of others cause of some stupid people.

I don want to get burned again by fake words and fake concern and fake hopes.

i wonder what would come out of this.

He is a year and 2 months younger than me.

i know i said before i don like younger guys.

that was because i don wan to have anything to do with hong hwee.

But after liking calvin, i guess it opened up to me like, don set preference.

the heart feels what the heart wanna feel.

With the lord guidance :)

i think i will be alright :)

Why thing has to get to complicated -.-

2011-10-15T09:55:00.001+08:00

Just one day and everything can turn upside down! What the shit!

Turns out that he is a liar that lied to Jowena so that he can seem nice to her to her I think.

Jowena is very nice to talk to me and console me :) she explained in her point of view how Calvin is not good for me and Heng I didn't get with him.

I was honest with her and told her everything that happened. Cause I sort of have no trust in the guys anymore. Except Jing Xiang cause he is still nice :)

Turns out that Calvin likes Jowena. Makes a hell load of sense now. But anyways he now wants to talk to me about what did I say to Jowena. GOD I JUST WANNA GET AWAY!

God knows I hate this kind of drama -.- nice to witness not nice to be in it.

Oh well. He tried to call me yesterday at 4 but I was sleeping. I think he just wanna know what he wants to know and go. Sian. Made an enemy now.

Oh well. Not everyone in life will like you. But I hate conflicts.

I tried to help him by telling Jowena not to fight with him over me. But actually I think she is an awesome friend that scolds him for you :)
I just didn't think that he likes her.
Unfortunately for him she does not listen to me. Lol. So complicated.

I should never have fallen for the charms of a charmer.
It's ok! One more lesson learned in life!

What the shit.

2011-10-14T15:42:00.001+08:00

Thank god seriously that I talked to Jowena. Or else I would have never known.

My gawd. Thanks leh seriously. This makes things so much easier for me.

Say that you Bo Bian go home with me. Say is I suggest go home together, liar liar. Save your face only.

Its ok lah. Its ok. I have learned something alright. Yeah Wendy, I believe people too easily.
But not everyone is like that.
First time I will believe you, second time no more :)

Love you god!
Take care of my love ones for me!

Sian. Everything came crashing again

2011-10-14T12:53:00.001+08:00

I realize that I only like to post when I'm sad or depressed. But when I'm happy I just keep it to myself.

I find blogging a place where I can conduct a thinking process so that I can be a happier person :)

Well I had a crush on a guy named Calvin at work. I guess I choose to think too much and think that he liked me.

He told me that he only thought of me as a sister. I feel so embarrass but I think this was a good point to learn in life.

Don over-think, not everyone takes all small action to heart, don fall in to the river so easily :)

My boss Ben was damn nice to me. He talked to me and also when I asked him, he tried to advice me against my action. If Ben wanna quit I will quit to! :) things at work is not really good for the full timers as they have an incompetent leader. I don blame them if they wanna leave.

I think the reason why I felt a Auden urge is because of the things that people around me is saying. Usually I will never tell the person I like that I like them first. Hahahaha! Wendy tell me that girls never say their feelings first. Oh well. I don believe in that. But I feel that I knew that this was going to happen so I was disappointed but i didn't cry so I wasn't that sad. :)

There were warning signs in my head that I was getting out of control. I should have listened to them.

I just felt that the feeling was so nice that I had the confidence and strength to want to throw away all the hope and wishes I have for hong Hwee.

I think I just make myself like him more so that I didn't have to harbor any more feelings to hong Hwee.

Also, when you good frens around you have boyfrens, you tend to feel lonely. Like my best fren is Wendy, then I want to hang with her, then she need to pei kian tee. So I will be like sian lo. :) but still! This is no reason to rush into anything :)

I don blame Yan, jowena and the rest for giving the ups sign. Because I now think if I were an outsider, and my fren has the balls to confess I would give her my support.

Yan said before what if this is karma for how I treat Kenny. And I think that the situation was so similar that it could be! :) but I believe that even if it was karma, god will bless me next time even more. Even if this was a lesson that I must learn, I will accept it with grace and move on!

Maybe I'm just not cut out for love.

It's kinda hard that I must change every action into just meaningless action. But I have to do it! I have ne'er done this before but I will try.

I guess when I like someone, that person will never like me back -.- for hong Hwee case was different, that one the feelings grew. This one is like a crazy crush.

I learn now that never to take anything seriously anymore. It's hard when it meant something to one buy nothing to another.

I don want to learn about this in life. If can I rather that princess and prince will always get together and live happily ever after. I still believe in happy endings! Maybe I may never get it but I still believe that it exist :)

Now I'm just afraid of awkwardness in the shop but I think everything will be fine with god with me :) I need to grow up. This is part of life and I need to take things easy.

When I was young, parents always scold that you never think before you do things. Now I keep over think Things that is nothing into something.

Wendy had it worst then me in sec school with jin kai. They had to be in the same class for 5 years. If she can do it! So can I :) I will live day by day :)

Oh and sometimes I think Yan way of attracting guys very complicated. I'm not cut out for that. She is quite scary in that sense but it's an art I need 100 years to master.

Also even if Calvin likes me back, it wouldn't be my own doing. It's mostly Yan help. So why would I want to achieve something like that when it's not my own doing? Such thing must be own effort like with hong Hwee :)

Oh well. Now about hong Hwee.
I cannot say that I totally forget about his existence. But I kinda hate him for his choice of action. I dread seeing him because I don want to start missing him again. Also I feel that if he wants to be like that, just don come back at all! :)

Seeing him yesterday for Jia Rong birthday. I can tell he knows I am treating him cold. I dunno how to treat someone who comes and goes like that in your life. Si Hao and Wendy so stand by that thought. He is dead to us already. We miss the old him but that him is dead. We just can't find the grave to bai.

I felt bad that I didn't give him anything for Korea, but... I really didn't buy anything for him. My birthday present he also never give me anything. So this is a small issue.

By the way he looks at me, or Everytime I look up he is looking at me, I can tell he misses me. This i don need to share with others but I ownself know can Liao. I miss him to, I gave him a small smile. We still have it, the silent signals we can send each other that he knows what I'm trying to say. But I don want to go back missing him. That would be too sad.

I need to have determination. And my heart cannot be weak. When I say this means this and the mind stop thinking.

My heart no longer beats painfully for him. Just when I think of the past I will feel Abit sad, but I won't Harbor too long there. What we could have been will never be.

He choose his way, although yesterday he looked so sad. :( but I guess what can I do?

So this is the end of another sad episode. :) happiness is waiting for me!!! I just know it! :)

I learn to forgive and forget. I'm gods child :)

looking back

2011-09-16T11:40:00.002+08:00

looking back into the past where all our last time photos were.
i know that it was me who didnt want you then.
i dunno what was the problem with me.

i guess i just wanted sometime away.
and for you to change.

i really miss the old hani. the old hong hwee. alot. more then i can say.
but it was me who drived him away.
And now he is gone. dead. :(
i think its my fault. if its not for me, you wouldnt have left.

the saying is true that you never knew what you had untill its gone.
i learned this the hard way.

i wont do anything like this to anyone anymore.

it still hurt surprisingly. yet not very surprising also.
i guess i jsut have to look deep within me to find what im really feeling.
All the nice crush feelings are superficial. maybe im using that to make me feel better.

i don love the now hong hwee. i really don. i don even want to see him.

but i really miss my hani, the old hong hwee. that is the person that is the most important to me.
the one that i depended greatly on. the one who supported me a great deal.
The one who said that he will alway be there for me, and i trusted him 100% with anything.
The one who said that he will wait for me. Who i did a lot of things and wish to do more with.
The one who is forver my best fren, my first love and my true love.
the one that i drove away. the one that i would give anything to see one more time.

grow up sammie. his gone. as good as dead. not to be seen again.
what would i give for that miracle. :)

I realise that planning ahead makes time seems so much shorter than it really is.
My ah ma is dying. there is no words else to phrase it.

This year aint a good year. next year will be better.
This year i learned. next year i teach.

Later have to go to school to meet my group for idare.
i hope eveyrhting will be ok! hahahas.
results are out and mine is like that lo. not here not there.
don give a shit. i rarely find anything to give a shit now.

Then flower bloomed. attracted a 30 year old guy.
said that i made his heart move. he has a girlfren somemore.
if i was the girl, i would be sad.
But i know the feeling of the sparks. i know that it is not real.
lucky thing is that i am not older. if not have to see he jio me -.- not a nice sight.

last time when i was with hani, i didnt know that. stupid me.
but yeah at least now i know.

hmmmmm... i don really want a relationship to be honest.
but sometimes the flirt feeling is nice. makes me forget my loneliness.
im very happy for wendy and yan. Having a nice stable relationship. :)
Thats all what everyone wants.
I am not wallowing in self pity or sadness. but sometimes i just wanna let myself be sad.
Its hard to always be happy.

I still believe in true love! but maybe not for me ba.
i think i still wanna be a wedding planner! can see happy couples take the most important step.

i dunno what is the right way to think. so i think i just don think about it would be the best.
Im getting better. like what wendy says, i can start not to care so much.
i find it that i can be very cold hearted. i can hide everything till i don wanna feel it.
and just be ... a state of happy ba.
i don normally show that side though. but i think i have to show it to hong hwee.
that is the best for everyone also. i gotta remind myself that the now hong hwee is not the last time hong hwee that i loved. must not get confused.

gotta go to school soon. pack pack!
i love my blog. it helps me get stuff off my chest. =)

i love my friends! thanks for being there for me!

Who stills remember.

2011-09-15T10:16:00.001+08:00

谁还记得是谁先说永远得爱我.

Everything has changed already.
I was stupid to think that everything would forever stay the same.

Working at the somerset watchstation has opened me to the possibilities of growing.
In an environment that I do not know anyone and they are all older than me.
I get to listen to their stories and learn alot of other things.
I thought I was at least mature enough, but apparently not. It's hard to match up to them as they have seen life much more then me.

Sometimes I wish that I was older. But I will get there too :)

I still miss the old hong Hwee.
Si Hao also said that he is as good as dead. Yeah I agreed.
This gives a lesson that the person that you thought would never change and always be there can actually change.
I told Wendy if she dare leave me I would kill her. LOL. i cannot take it if she leaves too.

Looking back, I realize that I kept trying to bring the old hong Hwee back.
I wanted him to grow right? So I have to let that old hong Hwee go already.

I think that was the most hardest part. Knowing that the person I depended on the most is gone. So I need to find my feet again.
:) I will forever miss the old hong Hwee. Although I know I won't see him again but he will forever be in my heart.

Walao now stuck in the jam -.- my gawd.
Going to school for Korea briefing. Life goes on. So no point stopping anything anymore.
I'm going to have fun I bet. With all my commitments I don think I will have the time for boyfriends. I think me and sin Joo will just date each other :D

I wonder whether 24 years old is really too old for me. I think that it will be like dating a child. Sian! If only I can grow up more.

I made lots of plans!
You are forever in my heart.
Although your gone but I won't forget you.
There is the safest place to put you. And your memory will be alive there :)
Go Sammie gogogo.
Lots of things to do!!
Planner filled to the brim!

I wished that I took a liking to watches more. But hey! It's a start! :D reserved lots of it!
Hope to be more myself at work. Sian.
With him there it's hard! But I don want to be so on edge leh.

Isn't it easier to flirt when you don like the person? LOL. Abit useless but true leh. Hahahaha! Gotta grow more ego and balls I think!

~~~~~~~~ I only got forever and forever is fine ~~~~~~~~

2011-09-01T04:20:00.002+08:00

I had another dream that you died that when I woke up I cried again.
I wasnt as sad as the first time. But still.

In the dream, when you died, I still could feel your presense.
TO be honest I'm surprise that my body remembers how you felt like.
I ran everywhere to find your ghost.
When I found you, I felt so sad.

I woked up relieve, but still cried.

So Manu days since I had blogged.
To be honest I'm getting better :)
I was not angry, agitated, bad mood.
I could feel that I have accepted and made the best out of the situation.
I felt happy. Like normal again.

We haven talked in a long time.
You are super busy with work. Your practically not that anymore.
To be honest... I stopped caring about your life...
About what you do and such. I don really want to know about your relationship problems.

We don have anything else to talk about.
So I stopped tryin I guess... I think this way you have more time to focus on your priority rather than have to keep
worrying about out friendship.
This way we have become really normal friends. Who talk when we meet.

I guess subconsciously I still love you.
But what's the point of the dream. It doesnt change anything.
I am not the person in control here. Making feel this is not going to help anyone.

So many days I could go on. Just to have this dream again.
It's ok :) I'm strong. This dream doesn't change anything.
I realized that you don have to love someone to have them.
I'm at the 3rd stage? Like Wendy said? Not sure what she meant really.

Its amazing how you can love someone but don care about him.
Kinda wonder is that really love.
But since you made it clear that you don want my care.
So cannot really say that I don care, it's not needed, so I just don bother myself anymore.

I guess I can don care about your person, but I still miss the past and the fact that next year is 29feb.
Long ago, I awaited that day with you.
Feel kinda sad that it's all gone now.
Soon I will be able to move past that I guess? What else can I do? :)

Working is fun. Met awesome people.
Kinda make me feel like I was cheated for working in crabtree.
But also I met awesome people there so cannot complain.
I want money to shop all the things that I want!
I keep sharing with Wendy what I want and she is like saying I want too many stuff! :(

Oh well! Gotta think of new ways to entertain myself!

I hope that your doing fine :) I'm sorry that things turned out this way now.
I'm fine really! I'm doing great.
I have learn to let go off all the expectation and disappoint I have.
Of the friendship I thought I will still have, of you, of the future.
I learned never to assume. Everything will change! Nothing is definite.
So I will treasure all around me :) they may leave but at least I had a chance to make it worth while!

I don think my feelings will go away. Sad but true.
In a way... I believe if that person was very important to you, will still be there one.
I dunno how some people can have no feelings towards a person you were in love with.
Maybe someday, I hope, that a AWESOME guy will come and I will have more feelings for him.
I think that you cannot have no feeling? Just stronger feelings for someone else :)
Lucky I have bones to pre occupy me, and work!
And camp. Not much time to myself. But I think that is better in a way, won't think about stupid things!
I want to leave this country! I want to travel!
Although expensive! But me and wendy will one day leave and go america! :)
Just need money! Hiaz! It's ok! I believe in that dream!

SONY NEX 7!!! here I come!
I think after much thinking, it's better for me as compared to a DSLR where I won't like to use so much.

Money drop out of the sky please!!! :( pweaseeeeeee!

Okay! I guess I have to get back to sleep! Tmr is pamper day!
And wake up later to watch bones again!
Soon booth and brennan will be together :)
Sometimes I can't help but wish :)
But a wish is still a wish! I don have much hope in it :)
I just pray that you will stay save and happy :)just hope that you take care of yourself.

Another day! Here I come :D

2011-08-20T23:27:00.001+08:00

I don't want to be lonely.
But that is what i feel now when im alone.

There is no reason for this sadness.
I can't find one.
I just feel lonely.
Hope this feeling goes away.

2011-08-19T22:58:00.001+08:00

I remember when it was just you and me :)

2011-08-19T22:42:00.002+08:00

Tmr is going to be the first exam!
PMKT. its 70% for me as i had dengue.

I hope and pray, and trust in god that i will do well.

For me now.
I don want to think about the past anymore.
Im looking forward. I just want to get everything over and done with.

Im not interested in a real relationship anymore.
Im tired.
Of everything to do with my own personal relationship.
Its so volatile, so uncontrolled. i rather have my hands on something that i can control.

Im tired of starting again. i dunno how you do it, but i dont wanna do it.
I just wanna go through my life i guess.
Jusst wait till my feelings for you die i guess?
Nothing else to do for now.

I guess, im really trying to get use to you not being here.

Like i said, after your internship over, you said you will be more free?
hahahaha! think again.
ITs all proven now. take a look by yourself.

I have caused enough damage.
And frankly everything is your own doing. you want to be responsible right?
so yeah. its your show.

slowly slowly... everything will die down...
first my care, since its not appreciated.
personally i don get it why must you make a huge fuss about the bottle.
i do that for wendy, for fontaine, for si hao.
And you cause you were my best fren. but you had to make something out of it.
so jsut take it like i never did anything ok.
if that will make you feel better.

i'll find myself, i'll pick up myself.
i will find my passion.

Romance books are my hobby.
At least you know that the girl and the boy will get back together.

2011-08-17T17:03:00.002+08:00

Oh well.
Just a drink and pills will end up so ugly.

Kat accompanied that time. Thank god for her. :)
I like her. she understands situation enough.

I don want anything in return.
I just wanted to care? i guess.
Its hard to care for you without people thinking that there is something more.
Apparently you to.

If wendy is sick, i will visit her and buy her juice.
When si hao was sick, i cooked for him.
For you, i didnt even meet you, i just wanted to give a bottle and pills, you want to pay me back.

If it makes you feel better, you pay ba.
$8.50. transfer to my acc lah, 108-42678-0
You belittle my act of kindness.

By saying that you want to pay me back, is like you reject my act of kindness.

Then to make you feel better you just pay back ba.
If you want everything to be so clean cut then so be it.
What kind of friendship is this.

Best frens? nah.. best frens is not like this.
Its not so clean cut, we don talk about money and we diffinitely are able to talk when ever.
But hey. you don try. so really. why should i anymore.

You really hurt me when you said you wanted to pay me back.

But yeah, if we switched position, i wouldnt want you to go through this..
But im sure i wont treat you the same way as you treat me.

It all voice down back to last time.
I wont treat you the way you are treating me.
BEst friend my foot.

Not my place to say anymore, you made your stand clear.
YOu want to put distance between us. ok. i compile.

You made something easy so difficult.
whats wrong with just leaving me alone?
i also never wanted anything in return.
Unrequited love. This is my decision right?
why this decision you also want to make for me?
I have no say in anything, everything is your say.

I wanna go back before i grew up.
Where the princess will always get her prince.
Fairytales are the best. i will just stay there.

Studying sucks. Working sucks.
I jsut wanna read and read and read.
I wanna leave this godforsaken place.
Far away from you. then you will have peace, you wont have to worry about me.
And maybe i can jsut forget about you, thats what you want right?
Give me time, i will be out of your life as soon as i can.

2011-08-15T20:04:00.002+08:00

Found out that daddy threw away the rose in the frigde.

I dunno why, the first instinct was to be angry but in the end I think also no point hanging and trying to preserve something dead.
Something that was meant to die a long time ago.

I wonder where you are this 2 days.
Just wondering.

My mind come up with impossible scenario that obly tires me out.
Maybe I should never have read romance books.

Oh well. I don want true love or what love anymore.
I don think that I can ever appreciate it's beauty to actually enjoy it.

Although! I would really want to be in weddin planning line.
I want to help couples take the chance at forever.
Something that I really wanted once.
But I'm very hard to be satisfied to actually attain it.

Depress is pointless.
I'm just merely stating my thoughts and emotions.

I wonder when singers sing or song writers wrote love song, did they actual felt like that.
Or is it something that they think it should be like that?

Wake up me. Wake up me.

2011-08-14T22:40:00.002+08:00

In a way, i think it would be better if you were in intership.
So i can give myself the excuse that you were busy.

Now... its the plain reason that we arent together anymore.
Why should we talk as often... why should we talk about random stuff.

How much is talking too much to you, how much is too little.
When i start i can't stop.
But if i don stop, it will only get worst.

I know sadness comes in waves, when it hits it's really painful.
When it goes its a temporal relief.

Its hard as we like and do a lot of things together.

Im watching bones now. I knwo how much you like it.

The selfish part of me would be that when im sad, i really wish you were too.
So i start asking unreasonable questions and expect an answer from you.
Knowing that the answer i seek is not something that you can give.

Sometimes i think i just want to hurt myself more, so that maybe my stupid heart can just stop.

I really mean it when i think that the only time you will consider getting back with me is when im dying.
When you realise that there isn't time anymore.
Im not depressed, im just exploring other perspects of looking at things.

Im keeping myself busy.
I think thats the only thing i can do now.

Trust in god, he is my savior.

2011-08-12T22:04:00.002+08:00

Ok! I am doing more harm then good.
Even I find myself pathetic.

Imma backing off.

It's just the sad feeling that keep nipping at me.

The intensity of it is hard to ignore.
In addition I think it's not my own sadness.

But I guess I have to take this bothersome me somewhere else I guess.
-.-

Sorry if I had caused you trouble!
Cause even I find myself meddlesome now.
Gotta stop being a busybody!

Be happy please!

2011-08-11T00:37:00.001+08:00

It was wrong of me to have replied you in that manner.

But I was hurt.

That entitles me to return fire a bit.

Maybe soon I will learn to keep everything within me.

So I won't need to return fire anymore.

2011-08-11T00:33:00.003+08:00

It's pathetic really.
Staring at the whatapp.
Seeing you online.

Just staring.

I wish that you wanted to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you.
But yeah. We both know that ain't true.

2011-08-11T00:16:00.001+08:00

My heart can skip beats of a thousand,
But my will is stronger than that.

As much as I want to talk to you.
I must resist now.

I am of no use to you.
And I am of no help.

Why try when there isn't going to be any progress.

I really wish the best for you.
That's all I can do that Is helpful.

Pray pray and pray.

2011-08-10T23:54:00.003+08:00

Hiaz your so fake.
I pity her.
She fell in love with someone fake.
If I were her, I would have given you a slap.
For everything that you didn't show. For everything that you hid.

These words are harsh, but you must hear them.
You may not want to but I guess I will say them here.
Your a hypocrite that tells people something but feel another thing.
You can say want them to be happy but in reality that is just fake and hiding.

What's wrong with being honest?
You are a liar.
I'm not piss. I'm stating facts.
You can make everyone in the world happy. But you are not an honest person.

For me I don want to lie. I rather hurt from the truth then be please by a lie.
I guess our principles are different. You have different beliefs from me.

What kind of person have you become?
You have changed. :(

Having said that. Its none of my business anyways.
I just felt like you can't see it only.

What I have said. I have tried. The rest is up to you.

2011-08-10T19:23:00.003+08:00

You want me to leave? I guess I'm gone then.

I dunno how to help you.
And being there apparently is not any use to you.
You have to solve this by yourself.

I don want you to be like that.
I don want you to be such a guy.
Own up to your feelings.
Just because you want to not hurt anyone.
In the end your hurting everyone.
Just because you want to be fair.
Don you think being honest with means your being fair to her?
That you respect the relationship enough to be truthful?

It's ok lah. It's up to you now.
I don want to make you sadder. You find your own way ok?
Anything I say, others say, if you take it as a test to prove to us something then it's up to you.
You ask me why someone can be like that.
You also know your so stubborn but you don want go for an easier path.
You are making things more complicated then needed.

You are the controller of your life. You don wish to listen to us so yeah. What more can be said.

You do what you think is best ba.
I can't help, from the start till the end.

2011-08-10T00:07:00.002+08:00

I think I am addicted to you.
I really want you to call me.

Last few nights were special.
Even though you say that it will hurt me but it's alright.

For some reason I really hope that you would feel the same.
That you want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you.
I guess I would never know the answer to that.

Although I don really want to keep talking about your problems only,
But you seem to only care about those.
I dun have the answer to them but you seem to really want to find them.

I dunno how to take your mind away from it.
All I can do is accompany you.

It's like a smoker trying to quit.
Succeeded for 3 months and took a puff again.
It's getting harder to stop.

For me to really cut away from you,
I would really need to cut you out of my life which I don bear to.

No one understand the depth of our relationship and for that I'm grateful.
The answer you seek is a simple one.
All you need to do is have the heart to go through with it.

For me. Maybe I should find my own way.
I won't stick around on the same spot so you don have to worry about me.
I'm a big girl. I know what to do.

It's just sad. Why two people who love each other can't be together.

2011-08-09T23:51:00.002+08:00

I really can take the fact that we may not get back together.
But I cannot have a life without you in it.
You are one of the most important people to me.
You know me as I know you.

We cannot be without each other.

I believe that what is meant to be will be.
Even if it takes 10 years then so be it.

For now I guess I have to throw away that thought.
Leave it aside to fate. To god.

I'm close to the pointless feeling.
I really hope the best for you.
Smile please :)

Today ate too much. Grew fatter! Lol.
It's ok. Once training starts I will grow slimmer again.

Serene's relationship is fucked up.
I really wish she will be happy.
What's the point of staying in a ratiinship because of guilt?
She is treated like a dog as well.

Love is both ways, not one. It takes two hands to clap but one to slap.
I want her to be happy too.
To be honest, our friendship is something other people won't understand.
No matter sometimes I feel like she treats frens like crap but.. It's like we have been throughout more together to let such things affect us.
Small quarrels aren't worth it to like 'break up' for.

I am not going to like it, but if it's your decision I have to respect it.
I want the best for you. Even if it means I won't be there. :)

I will get over you if you want me to.
Just give me sometime.
Certain actions I just cannot seem to keep myself from doing.
I want you to know that I am willing to do this for you.
Before you really want me to leave.

Oh well. Let's nature takes it's course.
I can be impatient but i can't control anything.
Long night. I wonder how are you feeling now.
You seem so worned out. Chill my fren. :)

2011-08-08T22:16:00.002+08:00

LOL. i guess its back.

The wishful feeling that you would call or talk to me again.
I dunno. really. what are this feelings. To others, it may be easy to tell but to me no.
I do miss you, maybe a bit too much.
But i am not sure if i really want you back.

Its like i want, yet do not want feeling.
I am not your back up.
You don have to worry that i am. Cause i wont be a back up.
I jsut follow my feelings.
I wont run to you immediately after anything happens.

I will run to you if you need me, but thats it.

I cant explain what is the depts.
Its like... i want you, yet, some part of me doesnt.

Confusing. i miss everything about us.
I thought it was enough you know.. to keep us together, to keep you with me.
Maybe i just miss the past you.
The person i am in love with was the past you.

Now is a whole brand new you.
You will have changed in a way or two. your not completely the same.
Humans grow up and change, this is part of life.
I wonder whether the new you is someone i love.
Maybe i do.

You're so sad... why are you so sad.
Smile wont you?
Isn't it tiring? putting a front for the whole world to see?
Smile when you wanna cry.
Laugh when you wanna curse.
Stay when you wanna run.

No everyone in this world is good.
Not everyone will treat you the same way as you treat them.
Not everyone mean what they say.

You gotta wake up.
You gotta see things for what they really are.

You gotta know, that people are not all amde up of flowers.
Some are meant to be, and some are not.

For me, i think imma like it in the world of books, at least there, i know how is the ending.

I wanan know whether we will get back together or not.
Maybe like this i will know what to actually do.
But i guess not knowing makes life more interesting no?

Guess its time to start studying.
Hate it, but oh well.
70% is actually quite scary ><

2011-08-08T14:31:00.002+08:00

Awwwwwwwwwwwww
now its time to start studying..
Hehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i still have my party mood going about.
Its getting tiring already..
I slept for 12 hours and im still tired.

I don wanna be this tired anymore.
I tried to help you in any way that i could.

I don wan you to be so sad.
But i guess there is nothing much that i can really do.

Aw well. certain things, i know that is really up to you.
I don wanna try to control anything any more.
You have to make the decision about your own life.

Yan is still angry about the incident with serene.
Hiaz.. its kinda hard now. i mean. i can forgive, but if she cant then how?
I learn to like see things from a whole picture. so i really can say that i can jsut forget about it, but what if yan cant?

I don wan this frenship to end like that, but if they choose to end it how am i suppose to keep it together? hiazzz.

I guess i have to take a step at a time.
What else can i do really to help.
I'll just pray and hope that everything gets better.

I keep on praying that you will be happy.
So please be ok?
Even if im not the reason, you have to be happy.

2011-08-06T14:40:00.002+08:00

This is hard.
It's hard when you say it like that.
When you make your choice.

I dunno if I can take it.
Maybe I should just go.
I don wantto affect your choice.

And if you choose not to be with me,
Maybe it will be better and easier to move away.

Being here with you makes it harder to leave no matter how much I want to be here for you.

I'm strong :)
I'll get stronger.
I can Xiang de kai.
I leave our fate to god :) bless you.

2011-08-06T01:42:00.002+08:00

Today you came to find me.
I/ guess wendy is right in a way.

No matter what i say, i cant help you make your decision.
All i can do is to just accompany you all the way.
I guess that, no matter how much i do something.
Accompany you, you will still only notice her.

You said that you shouldnt have called me or come to my house.
But im just happy to have your company.

I cried again when you said that.
No matter how strong i am, i guess i couldnt take those words.
But no matter, next time you say that, i can take it.
With each blow, i will become stronger.
You said that you dunno how to repay every tear that drop.
Did you even wanted to try?

i dunno how to move from here now.
I tried to make my heart cold.
Thats why i can take everything.

I really don want to stop loving you, to be honest.
But i can feel like... the hopeless or pointless feelings.
I want to help you with your problems but you wont listen to me.
You are being treated like that.
You can see... actually you even said you woke up already.
but you still chose that path.

I hope one day you will see that , that is not your only path.
There are other routes.

you can say that im the sweetest and the nicest girl.
That i can do things that she wont, but you still want her instead.
I dunno what else i can do, this is all i have.

if its not enough for you, i guess you should be with her ba.
I cant offer you anymore liao.
hiaz.
I can be your listening ears.

I want you to treasure yourself.
know that you expect.
don settle for this kind of treatment!

Although its just a short while..
But i enjoyed doing nothing with you.
thats just how i felt all the time there.

I tried to cushion your fall by putting myself there.
I only got stabbed again.
don make me leave...
i really want to be there for you...
but im scared that i will be too tired already..

My heart is hurt. but it still beats.
I still love you, but really.. so what..

2011-08-05T00:17:00.002+08:00

Won 3rd in polite :D
Wish that you could have been there.
Regretted not asking you to come last time.
But oh well.

The feeling was amazing though!
The feel of team work :D much much better!
I didn't regret joining touch :)
Long way to go :) we will have each other! Work hard train head girls!
Even Wendy love the feeling of it :)
Hopefully she won't quit :)

2011-08-03T02:51:00.003+08:00

LOL. you wont be wrong if you say im forcing myself.
yeah... im forcing myself not to care so much i guess.

but what i said is real.
I only have feelings for you, that all.
You don have to accept them, return them, or do anything.

I cant turn off my feelings.
How? if i say don have, its like lying to myself.
Being in denial will only stire up more things for me.
So i think just accept and then it will feel better.

i don NEED to have you ya know?
I can be happy for to. Love doesnt need to be so selfish.

The amount of things i can take and the numbness i feel sometimes scares me.
Im actually capable of doing this.

I wonder if she ask for break what will you do.
Would you let her go like you did to me?
more question with no answers. just forget about to avoid thinking so much.

I miss you. that is that.
nothing else to it.

I told wendy what i did about the liang cha and she said it was painful love.
She said that she dont think that she can do that.
LOL! she admire sial!

hahahas but seriously i don wish her to ever have to go through this.
Her first failed relationship is enough already.

I know if we get back together.
Our relationship would be really like what i wanted all along.
And it will be what you want too.
Stable, trust, and freedom of speech.

But hey. nice thought only ^^

Polite. i never knew that we could reach that high. :)
Seriously under estimated ourselves.
We won SP. but didnt feel like 100%. i need confidence! =)

Gotta get it from somewhere!
Sleep soon my boy.
don have to worry about me.
I don cry myself to sleep everynight. LOL
that would be tiring.

Love is Patient and kind;
Love is not jealous or boastful;
It is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insiston its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
It does notrejoice at wrong, but rejoice at right.
Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
Love never ends... :)
Love is not vengeful or irritatble.

2011-08-01T18:42:00.002+08:00

Hihi!
LOL!

I'm happy that you sent me the message.
When at first I saw your message my heart skipped a beat.
The beat was painfully nice till I saw what you sent then it sunk down.
I thought I would be very sad, but I'm not.

I think deep down I knew it ler ba... Just went crazy again.
I think I know what you meant and feeling ba.

You feel that it is unfair to me.
That I am like a back up plan.
You want to do everything your way.
And if you wanna come back. You want it to be like your decision.
And if you do, you will take the hardship in the courtship again.

You don want me to wait and hurt. Your a nice guy.

It's my choice if I want. But I do feel better after that. :)
I guess I still miss having someone there to always talk to.

Regret and wishes will still be there.
But I need to force it away.
Waiting is painful. I will force myself not to think and feel like this.
It's easier I think.

Without someone there to constantly accompanying me.. I feel kinda lonely.

God bless my prayers. I gotta go my own way now.

You should be able to do anything you want without feeling guilty to me.
Guilty is not the feeling I want you to have!

I want to be the person who can be your listening ear.
And understand you the most. Till she understand more :)

Nothing else ba.
I can't have anything else unless you choose it to be.
I wish you to be happy. :)
Guess this is me.

2011-08-01T12:38:00.002+08:00

Face CUI -.-
Need facial soon!

Alot of things to do!!!
Gotta work hard. No money too! LOL!

Oh well.
At least even if you don reply my messages.
I know that you at least saw it.
Sorry for the message I send today.

I need to have better control of myself again.
Don sad. Im here to be a listening ear.
I want to be. Don say that you shouldn't do this to me then don call me.

I just wanna talk to you.

I'm getting tired to be honest :)
But the reminds are still there.

Yan said.
Don wait, but don look if you don want to.

I guess that's what I'm doing?

Nahhhhhh.
Just be lonely girl 92!
It's hard for me to start everything over again.
So maybe I won't.

Be happy. And be safe!

2011-08-01T08:14:00.002+08:00

I was stuck with this thoughts all day yesterday and today.
Yan said something that made sense!

I asked her like I keep doing this things.
I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have been told that I should just move on/ don care...

I do this things cause I want to. Cause I feel like doing them for you.
I dunno really whether that is wrong.

Yan said that is because you want to win him back by your own efforts,
And not because he broke up with the girl.
Which now I totally agree.

I don want to, or rather I wish that you coming back would be because you love me more.
Rather than cause your relationship with her is not working out.
I hope you understand.
I want to know that I was able to move you and that our relationship is that strong.

It's hard to move you.
Please just spend one day thinking. Please :(
The messages we talk. Everything else that others don know.
Maybe if they did, they will understand.

All you need to do is realize something. Just that one thing!
I can't, or is not for me to help you realize.
And it will be wrong for me to say it.

I wonder what is your best shot. What is your limit?
Remember last time you told me that you felt I'm taking you for granted and you told me?
Don you think in that case it feels like it?
Why do you want to be in a relationship where you can't say anything freely? :(
Nothing will change unless you change it.

Please wake up. :( don be so stubborn anymore. :(

2011-07-31T19:32:00.002+08:00

Im reading a story now.
The guy in the story said,
"Eventually you're going to dump him and i'll have you. But when i have you, i'm not letting you go."

LOL! i don think im allowed to post that anywhere that wouldnt get kao beh.
So i just post it here ba.
Though i REALLY want to twit it!

Although the girl in the story is an COMPLETE IDIOT! LOL! dense woman!
i know its abit weird that im the boy and your the girl.
hey well. i never know waht you are really thinking anymore.

To be honest i think that if things continue to go the way you are heading, it wouldnt last long.
I can see it now from a 3rd person perspective.

I cant wait to have you back. to be honest.
This is what i really feel.

I just hope that is before 29 feb.
I can wait forever till this date. This date is so important that i really do not want to miss it.
But once it miss, i think i will really... see that you are no longer with me anymore.
i cant wait forever, although the thought is not that unreal.
no one wants me to wait forever.

=) i miss you. and all the stupid things we did. i can write it down, but for who to see.
I wanna fold you a thousand cranes but i think that i would end up buring them.

I hope you see this. Im glad that you cry when you read my book.
It proves that you still have feelings for me.
When you can read that and not cry or feel anything. i guess its really over for me.

Million things, bad and good can run through my head.
All comes down to you.
you and only you. :) i miss you. hurry back please.

2011-07-31T10:01:00.002+08:00

Wooo. I didn't know I can blog from iPhone.
Oh well.
Today was late for my event.
Watched captain America till late late.
Had only 3 hours of sleep.

Hiaz emoed again today.
God why do I put myself through this.
Feel so stupid but I can't help myself.

If you love me, you would have return.
If you wanted to return you would have by now.
If this relationship was worth it, you have return.

I shouldn't have think so much I guess.
Everything is just going to kill me again.

How many times must I be stabbed?
When will I learn?

Somemore is just me myself.
Your just happy/ or trying to be happy in your relationship.
It's just me stabbing myself. Stupid ain't it?
Hiazzzzz!

Hahahahaha. Now that I see it. I can laugh.
I really wanna see you. Talk to you.
But at the same time, I really just want to run away.
Apart of me know this is useless but how can I let go of something that I really really want!

Maybe when I change what I want then it won't be stupid anymore.
I dunno who is more stupid really... You or me.

I can be the sweetest and the nicest girl to you.
Yet you won't want me..

This thought hurts.
All this is self inflicted pain.
I dunno whether I want to hug you or hit you.
Everything is so complicated when you chose it to be.
But also it can be really simple.

I guess I have no choice right.
You left me with no choice.
You choose and I'm left behind. Hiaz
This is all my fault. But at least I'm tried or trying.

This won't numb the hurt. Its still there.
But maybe one day I won't bother anymore.
Numb numb.

2011-07-30T00:42:00.004+08:00

Would you think its stupid if you know what was i doing now?

I cant help myself...
How not to care...
If i can maybe its better?

They tell me not cheapen myself..
I dunno what extend is cheapen?
Telling you my feelings?

If i didnt tell, then i think that you wont ever know..

Going after my happiness.

I miss talking to you. i really do.
Although it really prove to me that your an idiot. but oh well.

why you don want to heed our advice? =(
If everyone knows what was going on, you know what they will say...
Why you want to let yourself be so sad =(

I guess being me it is not much to convience you to come back.
But hey. As long as you think that your happy.

What is doing things cause its right? What does that mean?
seriously i dunno.
What is right... your being unfair to her.
if you don think that she is the one for you and you continue being with her cause you think its right, don you think that your being unfair?
Somemore your motivation... what the hell.
If i knew that a guy was because of that still want to be with me, i will cry.
I rather he leave and find his own happiness.
What if she was suppose to meet someone who is right for her, why not let her go?
I rejected kenny cause i know i was not the right one for him.
Guilty is guilty. i have been there. i can say that i was a very huge bitch and a slut.
I lead him on.
In the end i just let him fall.
I regreted really. i should have never let it got so far. im really sorry to him.
But what would be worst would have been if i got together with him cause i was guilty.
That would have been the cherry on top.
I would have killed him, and be the ultimate bitch if i did that.

Your case and my case has similarities.
Its not the same.
I stopped mine in time.

Ulitimately, we all should seek the ending we desire...
WE! not for someone else. it's our own life and decisions.

I'll still miss you. that is a fact.
But i think that.
Once i get use to you, as in really get use to you not being here for me anymore.
I dunno what will happen.

Maybe you don care about that. I fear that day will come.
But slowly it will.
Are we really not meant to be?
Who knows i guess...

Its your choice really. i made all my stands very clear.
Lay everything down on the table for you to see and choose.
So you cant say that you thought this and that. that you assume.

One day the cards may just dissappear. I dunno when.
Im not pushing it, i may be trying to stop it.
But it will dissappear one day.
And after that. everything will be left like a memory.

I want a happy ending.
But if my prince on the white horse do not come soon.
I may just give up and walk on my own.
Im stronger now. i can walk.
Someday. Somehow. Maybe our paths will cross again =)

2011-07-28T22:11:00.002+08:00

you are not happy.

why force yourself to be happy :(

its killing me to watch you like that.

although im also at a lost to what to say to you. cause all i can say i already did.

Very stressed out.

Tmr game is against RP.
STRESSED! i want to get a medal! i wanna do something that i never thought i could!

And sin joo now a days slacking.
I need her to do work with me! if not we will die.
Cannot everything give fontaine do! if not very unfair! gotta work work work.

I still miss you, i may not have the time anymore.
But i think its better. no time for love. all school :)

I want to hear all my frens drama, but after that get so wrapped up in everything!
one more thing that i miss is that you cna share all my drama! LOL!
gossip gossip with me! :)
don stretch yourself.. you are getting stretched i know. hiazzz.

but still, it your choice. i cant help you anymore then i can :(
hugs.

2011-07-27T00:15:00.002+08:00

Stupid me and the stupid things i do. :)

Pretty pretty flowers! i wish everything could be that pretty.
scenery around us changes, ever moment is a fleeting one.

I missed you :)
but after talking to you. i still find you as stupid as ever! LOL
oh well.

I keep asking myself. what if we ever become together again..
Will everything be the same and we will both be wasting our time?
I told wendy about this and was very worried.

But wendy asked me..
Wasnt this the reason why i love you?
That you are this stupid and sincere?
That you are the way you are, and this is why i love you?

She was right.

This is the reason why i love you.
Why i keep saying your stupid.
the reason why after all the pain i still really miss you.

My mistakes was that i tried to change you into The Ideal guy.
The guy that i always see in my story books.
The guy that every girl will want.
That was not even my ideal guy. jsut some blueprint that every girl that want their guys to be.
That was stupid of me.

Abit mushy, but i really just want you the way you are.
Wendy asked me, if you were to come back, but your not the same hong hwee, would i still want you.
Honestly... i don think i would.
I fell in love with that you, and is that you that i love.

its jsut sad that i realised all this too late.
But in all, at least i learned right?
Im not a lost cause! hehehe!

Don run your life by guilt ok?
I don want you to come back to me because of guilt too.
If you were to come back, i want it because you love me.

But i don think the love you have for me is strong enough right?
For you to actual choose me over the situation you are in.
You know what you want exactly. only you can make that choice.

I have learned a lot!
And i still believe in the positive!
i believe in our love. it is strong enough to withstand this! we are not that weak!
Even if you don believe it! i do ^^

I hope you get well soon.
Im not sure if the liang cha and the sprepsil got to you.
But i believe, like in everything, if its meant to be, it will get to you :)

Im stronger now.
Wiser now.
More blessed then ever!
I know that i wont get what i always want.
I believe this is a stage that is for me to grow up. and i did :)
Who knows about the future right?
Maybe we will get back together, maybe not.
But i know that i tried. i tried to the best of ability that my morale will allow.

Goodnight world.
I maybe hurting, but there is always someone else who needs more help than me.
Please bless that soul.
I can handle this! :)

2011-07-22T23:12:00.002+08:00

Hey!
hmmm...

Hard to decipher what am i feeling now.
Just feel that life goes on ba..
Nothing much i can do anyways.

I dunno how to fully let go i guess.
Everytime i am alone, i will start to think and wonder.
Ask questions that i know will just start to hurt myself again.

I fear to retweet anything cause i don wanna affect your mood.
But now that you read all of my blog, i dunno what to say..
Sorry?

What i want, you cannot give. I ask for too much.

This is a lesson learnt.
I just wish that i could resit the exam again.

Si hao and cheng has problems again...
He came to my school and find her. Then they got talk.
After that went to eat.. he didnt want to eat two person, but she wants.

Since its my blog i shall say what ever i like.
I dunno, he said that she want sensitive cause she don want other people to know that they going on the double date or what what.
But i feel that, its ok to share about that point.
And also, the guy already came from his school, which is SP, all the way here to find you.
And you like walk away.

I remember the first time i walked away from you.
It wasnt something i wish to do. I was jsut so frustrated that i know sure blow into a fight one.
And also that time you didnt understand why was i angry.

And who likes someone to just walk away. And you did it for like 3 times liao.
If me i also cannot take it if someone walked away from me.

I dunno. MAybe cause im more like si hao.
And to si hao, not telling his frens stuff is like telling me not to tell wendy stuff too.
Its hard. Cause they are a very big part of our lives.

I wonder how big a part was i to you?

You see? questions that i kow i should not be asking keep appearing in my mind.
How to forget it? i never thought it would be this hard.
But at least im happy that i am not as cold hearted as i thought i could be.
There are a few moments, where i force everything away. And felt... cold?
I can do that. i realise.
Maybe if it gets too out of hand, i will start doing that?

I wanna talk to you.
You know that sometimes your whatapps arent enough right?
This is not enough to even save the friendship.
My best friend is like how close me and wendy is.

We can meet, talk.
even with zi kai who is a guy.
But im just wishing right? to get that.

I know that you don wan her to think that you are cheating.
I know how good you are to your girl friend.
I wish i didnt lose that.

The more i think about the past, the most i miss it.
But i also think of all the terrible things i did to you.
Its good for you that you don love me anymore.

i keep thinking about the times where you said you love me and only me.
I think i believed that whole heartedly. and about the next girl you love will be who..
I learned that you cannot really believe that.

No one can love you forever.

Even you didnt.
You are the one person i really believed would fufil that.
Even if the girl wasnt me. I mean as a person that i thought you are.

So... If you, the person with so much trust, patience.
Couldnt love someone forever, what more the rest of the guys.

Or maybe i was just too horrible that loving me longer wasnt worth it.

Oh well. Assuming wont get me anywhere.
And i cant find my answer.

So im just stuck here.
One day maybe i will accept that the answer i seek cannot be answered.

Stressed now. a lot of things going on.
I hope that i get swallowed by it all... So that i don think about you anymore.

2011-07-21T09:45:00.003+08:00

Hmm! what to say?
Im happy =)
very happy.

you actually help me remember! :D i dunno how to describe that feeling.
Although people or you may think its abit stupid that its a small thing to make me so happy.
But it means a lot more to me.

I know im hopeless. Im just happy that you remembered.
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH
happy till i cried. i feel like something in me has sparked again.

You didnt forget =) you remebered!!!
thank you thank you thank you!!! :)

im happy that you read my blog. i dunno why. feel like you still care for me.
or maybe even like me for that tiny bit part.
you always say that you will make it go away. that hurt.

But hey! at least i know there is a small part of you that still cares :)
like from the way you don ignore me on the chat. your still the nicest in someway.

i miss you, i miss us.
But after this episode. i know that i still cannot get hopes up.
i will still continue walking. i wont stop.
I know in some way thats what you should want right?

Maybe one day our paths will cross again?
i can only hope and see.
Our lifes are too interwine to really don care about each other.
I'll let god and fate decide.
Ultimately,the choice is also yours :) and i respect your decisions. ^^

2011-07-20T23:30:00.002+08:00

The days pass like a blur, its kinda good that i stop counting.
I haven stop praying.
I want to stop eating. i feel like i lost sight of life purpose.
The more i miss you less, the more lost i feel.
I need to focus on one thing. no matter how outrages it is. i need to have a goal.
That is a way i can get better i think.. Anyways there is no one that can keep my grounded anymore.
No one that i must think for. no one cares in that way for me.
SO I SHALL SEARCH FOR ANOTHER GOAL!
JEEP! LOL! ex! but still! its a good.
I still am irrational. but i didnt change.

Lifes drama are getting tiring to watch.
Serene and clare.
Si hao and cheng.
I want to ask you about yours, but how?
I don wan to seem irritating. so i guess i have to wait for you to talk to me.
slowly slowly. life goes on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard That you're settled down
That you Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

2011-07-20T23:07:00.003+08:00

I really wonder what is your status now.
Hi long time no write.
This few days i feel better. its getting weird.

Like last time i use to keep thinking about you when ever.
Like sometimes during an activity.
Now it seems like its getting lesser.

I dunno whether its good or bad.
Maybe to you it will be good cause you don even think about me.
But its like weird.
I dunno whether its a good thing or a bad thing.
I don even know whether i want to think about you less. but its happening.
I told yan about it, she said is because im getting use to you not being there.

I wore the bracelet you gave me today.
I missed it. i miss everything. Everything that is gone.
I keep playing with it. I think wendy would scold me if she saw me wearing it.
Its hard to remain passive. thats why i need to blog.

I keep talking about you. Its hard you know... i dunno how to you do it.
To let go of everything that was intertwine between us.
My atm number, my passwords, maple character. alot more things that i wish to do again.

You changed. REally. its not only me that said it.
Its sad really. that when i look at the bracelet i miss the old you and the past.
But when i look at you now and how you are, i don miss you at all.

weird.
Its like i can don want you back. i jsut miss you the old you. or maybe everything we had.
Just the missing feeling. hmmp im happy with jsut that really :)
misisng someone.

Although sometimes when i do see your tweets i will get heartache. But its better now.
I just wish that you are happy. don be treated like a dog.
I will hate her if she sitll treats you like a dog. no one treats you like that.
Really. you are my friend and important person. even though you don seem to act like one.

Oh well. I dunno your situation anymore. im not the person you seem to be able to confide to.
i wonder do you read my tweets. do you think about me. do you miss everything in the past?

Its unfair that guys are able to forget so easily.
Made girls feel like everything in the past is not worth remembering.
Oh well. you cant give me an answer. neither can i give myself.

I cant say i don want you back. I cant say that i wish that you and her will last.
I want you to be happy, but seeing you happy without me there is still painful.
Maybe one day i really can take it. then i think i really have moved on.
Slowly :)

Polite is coming! stress! hopefully i can do well!
and not to eat so much. this sem is the best sem yet!
I wish every day can be like the past. ^^
Bless me, my family and my friends my Lord. Amen.

2011-07-16T11:15:00.002+08:00

You talked to me today.
It kinda shocked me.

I felt that, when you don talk to me, i wish you did.
And when you did, i wish you didnt.

Im glad your happy. i really am. its nice to see that not everyone is suffering.
I jsut feel like.

the more you talk, the more i feel like giving up.
I think i already did. but you talking mkes me wonder like..
Are you talking to me cause you miss me?
Or are you guilty that you don talk to me?
You just want to make me feel better?

Oh well. passive ba..
What can i do but accept that things are not in my control and i am jsut the audience.

Maybe its best that you keep talking to me.
It will serve as a reminder to me.
Soon one day i think my waiting heart will break.

I know you don mean it. and saying this will only make you sad.
But you are the one that hurt me the most.
In my whole entire life. spending most of my childhood being beaten by my maid does not equal to the pain i feel now.
But i know that through this i am going to grow. and that is something i want.
I always thought that me life was perfect, better that the others.
So far so good. i wanted something to happen.
And then this shit came. I know now that it was fucking stupid of me to wish for all those shit.
Fuck. i should know that life without drama is better.

Be happy with what i have and not wish for more things to happen.
I still need to grow. the process is not done.

Passive member. Its a show that i have no part of. I want to see the end. but i guess like everyone, i have to wait.

2011-07-15T21:32:00.003+08:00

i dunno what is wrong with me.

unstable thinking again and again.

When i finally come into terms with it.

I start falling backwards again.

I want to jsut burn the whole building down,

yet i also just want to walk away.

volatile and out of control.

I don't deny that i really miss you.

Alot. i can count the days that i have not talked to you and its killing me.

I shouldnt have given you the cold shoulder after that club.

I was just pissed. oh well.

I cna think of million things i miss about you.

And another million reasons why you wont come back.

Add another million to why your feelings are gone for me.

But still, i dunno what am i doing.

I can go on strong. But there is still an ache.

I think everyone doesnt want me to keep talking about it.

So i don think i will anymore.

I will try to heck, like what wendy says.

Cause i really think what she says makes sense.

If you don feel burden doing it, why should i say its stupid?

its not my place to say that. i have no right.

What i think is not solid correct.

She also said that not everyone is as good as me to want to let you do your own things.

she said that no one treat you as nice as me.

I dunno how to treat that statement.

We both know i wasnt nice to you at all.

And if i was, you wouldnt have loved another.

I found your blog.

wow. you actually blogged =) i want to smile and cry at the same time.

But i am doing neither now.

You seem happy with her. so truly happy.

Happiness that could break me inside and out.

I jsut want to leave this place now...
Leave everything and just go.
Maybe i will be happier that way.

all the small little things that we did, keep refreshing in my mind.
Making me fall in love everyday again.
But the sad thing is that im falling in love with a ghost.

Stupid mind. Stupid heart.
Im left here picking up the pieces.

Did you really go with her for the ocnvenience of not feeling alone?
Fontaine said that.

She said you took the easier road while i took the worst road.
I dunno how i can remember everything so clearly.
And yet its like you cna jsut forget them.

Its amazing how one memory to a person can mean an entire different thing to another.
I never felt this lonely in my life before.
But i guess what is the point dragging this on right?

No point. anymore.
My heart can continue breaking for all i care.
Maybe one day it will learn that you are not coming back.

My mind can replay everything all its wants.
Then maybe one day it will learn that those are just memories.

They say that you guys wont last so easily.
I cant see it. i only feel my pain.

I know if you know this, you will try your hardest to make it last.
Thats the best thing i can say i know about you.
Its like that time when jia wen said we not match.

Oh well. maybe she was right. but hey! i want to prove the world wrong.
I dunno waht am i rambling about again.
Super tired mentally and physically.

I doubt no matter how much i cut myself. It won't replace the pain in my heart.

2011-07-14T16:08:00.002+08:00

Made spag and porridge for si hao today.
Cause he sick!

LOL. knew it that he will oversleep.
When i made everything. i jsut realise that i don know what he lieks and all.
I jsut keep remember what you like.
This kind of thing is hard to forget :)

iw anna make pasta for you again.
But i wonder if you will eat it.

Hiaz saw twitter and made me haywire again.
I tried talking to everyone, but wendy made me feel better ^^

She told me that i want you to be happy, and that if you are. jsut leaeve you be.
I was just sad that we are so near but yet so far away.
ya know that kind of feeling?

Wendy made me wake up again. i almost spiral down.
she has an amazing bo chup attitude!
LOL yeahhhhhhh she and wee kiat really the same kind.
I am expecting too much again.
We are frens. and i know that from last time you can because of me, don care frens. but i stopped that, but that is something that you could have done.
I know you. so i shouldnt be surprise.

So i shall not be surprise and just accept.
Jia rong and kiat they all long ago accepted.
CAuse they say its normal. i wasnt a fren before so i didnt get it.
But now i have to jsut get use to it ba. only thing i can do ^^

2011-07-14T09:46:00.002+08:00

I knew you for almost 3 years as a fellow cca mate.
And another 4 years as some one very important to me.
That is around 7 years.

And the pictures we had doesnt sum up to a 100.
where i know fontiane for 1 and a half year and we have 300 years.
I took for granted that we don need to keep taking pictures. cause we both don really cam whore. and i thought we had the rest of time. but that was wrong of me.
And then you had to delete the rest.
Hiaz... sad aint it.

Oh well! i predict taht this sem and following is going to be packed!
I wont have to wait for a new guy or what not.
I have no time to start a new relationship and as well as no interest.

Imma going to focus on school stuff.
I hope that you do too! don ignore your classmates again ok?
Going ninja on them.
And your grades ARENT fantastic!
Promise to put more time on them ok?

Imma going be Idare SF.
Imma going to be VP for BA jazz group.
Don think you know right?
its ok. i know long ago, knowing about me is not your priority anymore.

2011-07-14T01:39:00.003+08:00

LOL didnt know that si hao blog has my blog the link.

LOL! But tis ok lah! still going to type like nobody can see my blog like that!

More fun and don really have to hide.

LOL i love to stare at number 29.

LOL i think my sadness comes and goes in waves.

Like sometimes im perfectly fine, but sometimes im not.

I wonder where you go. partying for the first month?

I hope that you are doing well on your own.

I have a feeling that you are facing some troubles now.

Hope that i could be there to help but, oh well.

oooo how i miss the past.

^^ the past the past!

si hao sick! hahahahas! hand foot mouth disease!

Last time in primary 1 i had that! it was so damn itchy -.-

Hungry nowwww. Abit high too..

Wonder should i have gone to clubbing just now..

Hmm.. Bad choices. oh well. only god cares about me now! ^^

PARTEH ROCK!!!

2011-07-12T23:33:00.002+08:00

Today read si hao blog.
My my i was happy that he finally understood me.
I don expect much. but at least he understood me finally.

yeah i agree! friends are very important ^^
Without their support i think i would have been reduced to nothing.

Although i know that the girls have a bad way of showing their support,
But you just don see our point.
Guys don see girls the point untill its too late.

I know friends was important to you, but...
we cant feel that from you. im trying very hard to save the connection for you.
But you have to try too! i cannot keep holding all the strings together!

Wendy keeps telling me to heck care... should i?
i guess i keep caring too much.
I don think you care about me anymore.
Or maybe... not enough to qualify as a friend.
You are my motivation to run. i ran like hell today. imma going slimmer.

I remember long ago at cross country you were there waiting for me. :)
I saw your face and that gave me all the power i needed to run the remaining run.
im happy i got that feeling again =)

I can be sad... but i can force myself not to think about it.
It wont go away easily as you did. It will always be there.
But at least i can say that it doesnt hurt that much that i cannot control it.
Im controlling everything. Do i look happy to you?
I always did right? i never looked sad to you.
Im amazed at myself though! How i could contorl everything.

Next year is 29 feb. it means the world to me. that day.
Polite is coming. it also means alot that i thought you could be there to watch.
Oh well. I know how to spend my day already on 29.

29 is my sacred number.

Time to say goodbye to turning tables.
Next time i will be braver.
I'll be my own savior.
Standing on my own two feet.

2011-07-12T12:32:00.002+08:00

Happy 1 month.
I guess this is the official date that i said i would give up.

I didnt really think much about it from the time that you told me to give up.
You made it clear to me that you don think we will ever work out even if we got together.
I guess i don seem to deserve a chance to find out right?

I don like the fact that you assumed.
But i also cannot be 100% confirm that we will work out.
The stability you want is not something that is possible.
I promise that i would try my hardest but nothing in this world is 100%.

Cruel to the eyes.

Heart sinking again.
Its really a painful feeling.
Its really that i can feel the you can close your eyes to things you don want to see.
But you cannot close your heart to things you don want to feel.

I love to talk about you.
Everything about you.
But i don think anyone would want to keep hearing me.
So its lucky that i have blog to talk.

I want a hug. i have many but its nothing like a hug that someone love you.
I lost that. i don want another. i want my own back.

oh why..

You said if you were me you still continue to wait.
But you didnt. why didnt you?
If you gave me sometime, not only 2 days, i could have tried to talk to you.
But you made your choice already.
I was too late.
I want to find a small quiet place now, but i have to be with fontaine and the rest.

I saw you change your facebook status and you post pictures on your facebook.
Ouch.
Nothing that i can say but ouch ba.

Good luck with your new life. your new girl.
I will always be in the book that you had read finish.
And you are starting in a new book.

This shit hole. i dunno when i will get out.
But hey! this shit hole meant alot to me. More then i could ever imagine.

I will scold her if i know she is treating you worst.
Mark my words. You may think that its ok.
But no body treats you like that. You are important to me to be treated like that.
I may not matter to you anymore, but you still matter to me.

I will have to be strong and put a poker face.
Cause there is nothing esle that i can do.

2011-07-12T00:34:00.002+08:00

If nothing comes out of this till i have to choose to go internship.
i will choose to go overseas.
If there is a chance that we may get back together.
i will stay in singapore.

i never ever felt that i should stay because of anyone.
Cause i know that they will still be there when i get back.
But i really want to stay because of you the most.
I don think i will get my wish. but i still pray.

My heart jumped very painfully when serene said you were online.
But when she couldnt see you, i felt it sink painfully again.

2011-07-11T20:42:00.002+08:00

please wake up.
Don be treated like this.
It pains my heart to keep seeing you like so tensed and pek cek always.

I always remember you for your smiles and laughter and carefreeness.
Don take that away.
I wonder were you ever this stage course of me when we were together...
Did i really put you thorugh so much =(
Im sorry.

Im happy to hear your pek cek voice that is not a mask to me though..
I feel like i know you more now. Although this is not the way i planned to find it out.
But at least i got to hear your temper abit. that was seriously all i ever wanted.
the reasons for all the time i fight with you, i kao beh you.
I never wanted to win.
That was never my intention.
I wanted to fight to know what are you thinking and what do you like.
I don wan that you will give in to me. that wont make me happy.
I know you don wan to fight, i know.
But fighting does bring us closer and understand each other more.
I don want you to be the losing party. i want us to be equal.

But since there is no more us.
All i can wish for that you be treated fairly in your next relationship.
Being tired is not a good feeling.
I know that you can tahan it all the way.
Thats why im worried about you.
Your changing now :) you said you will grow mature and yeah. your growing.

if you need a rest i can be your listening ear. but only if you want me to be.
i want to catch you if you really fall and bleed.
But everyone tells me to leave you be... but i cant :(
i cant help but think about you everyday.
Now is good that its not for the full day, but still i do think about you.
I try to make myself not to, but its hard.

I wont move on from this as easily as you did.
I dunno how come guys are able to.
I wont find someone else as cause i don want to.
I want to stay here and be alone. If i really have moved on, i think it would take either a long time or a drop dead gorgeous male. LOL

All this words left unread. but i feel better after typing all this out :)
I miss you. but thats the only thing im allowed to do.

2011-07-11T09:35:00.002+08:00

I ask zi kai about what to do.
He was almost in the same situation as you.

He told me that you have to handle it on your own.
Or in another word, buang on your own.

Your situation was not as bad as his.
But are you really that blinded by love? =(

Wendy and the rest keep saying to watch you climb, but i don wanna see you so sad.
I don want you to plant face first into a wall without cushion or a support.

I guess i cannot be anything more to you.
I want to listen to you when you call.
I would rather just stop everything that i was doing to talk to you for a while.
I never felt like that in my life.
I guess it because i know that my time talking to you is limited and rare.

LOL. im such a loser!
oh well! at least i don regret ^^

I just hate the fact that you have changed.
You were once so lively and happy.
Or maybe i just didnt get to see this side of you.
Im happy that i got to see this side of you.
I do agree that if we ever got back together. i think we will be much much closer.
I want to know you as a friend more first. all sides of you.
I got to see the glimspe and i couldnt take it at first. but now i know.
I know that you have a temper. i know your pek cek voice.
I never wish for you to treat me how you treat her or me in the past.
I want to know everything you feel =) and i got to know!

I think i found the reason for this lack of fate.
im happy and god blessed!
I wish you happiness!

2011-07-08T15:21:00.002+08:00

Im worried about you.
You are always on the losing end..
I don want you to be bullied.
But what ever i say doesnt mean anything to you.

It just sound like complains...
I dunno how to get through to you.
im worried about you.
But i guess its just unwanted worry ba.

The only person who i can ask about you is si hao.
But he wont tell me also...
But you also don wan to tell me anything.

I don like the feeling of not knowing everything about you.
But i guess i have to get use to it.

Why did everything turn to be this way..
You cant even take a picture with me anymore...
Im sad for myself.
And im also sad for you.

But i think you are ok with it liao ba...
Since relationship is so important to you...
I have no hope.
I have a little believe.
I have no fate.
I only have love.

2011-07-08T01:23:00.001+08:00

I still trust you.

I hope that everything goes well with you!!!!

I just feel that our memories are slowly going to be destroyed..
I wanted to save them. so i ask you to give them to me.

Take care my dear.
I will be passive.

2011-07-06T22:09:00.002+08:00

Did i ever really tell you to move on?

i told you to get girl to like you.
You said you will get me back and i said i will wait.

You keep telling me to move on.
Did i do that to you?
Nehmind.

I guess all this are gone now anways.

2011-07-06T21:24:00.003+08:00

No one really understand how i feel.
I think only serene and zi kai knows it.

Im so contradicting.
I know what should i do, and what i want to do.

The upside is that. i will do the things i want to do, if i think it makes me happy.
And i will do the things i should do, to make life easier and happier for you.

Friends are wonderful. they are there for me.

You say im your best friend. but best friend do not treat best friend this way.
I will not forgive you for that.
When you think its the right time for you to reappear in my life, let me know.
You will have to earn it back.

2011-07-06T17:07:00.002+08:00

I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.
But what is the point now.

My tweets make you sad.
Then why are you still reading them?

If i cant express myself without worrying for you.
I shall blog!

Im going partying tonight.
I dunno whether you will care. I hope you do, yet i hope you dont.
Even if i grind with a million guys, kiss a million guys. i dun think you will do anything also.
So let it be.

2011-07-06T16:07:00.002+08:00

Welcome back.
i hope you enjoyed yourself.

i think that... sometimes is i know everyone is sick of me talking about you.
Cant really help it.
I guess i cannot feel love when i was with you.
But i can feel dosen of pain without you.

Im a lousy person in feelings.
I guess i don really should care.
It doesnt seem like you care too.

Story books helps me get away from my pain and into others.
They take my mind away from you.
From every 11:11 i think about you.
I don dare wish for anything, but i just think about you.

The person who loved me the most, hurt me the most.

I just... we didnt seem to like hang out that much.
you didnt always ask me to go out to date with 2 people.
its always a group activity.

Are we young, immature?
We didnt really take the relationship that seriously to be more loving?

Tired i am. 6 more days.
I didnt even bother to count. cause.. i know you wont be back.
I live with my choice.
You choose to be with her.

When you come back, the sammie you love will be gone.
I think she is already gone.

I don think you will ever see this.
I rather you don cause i know you wont know what to do.
you wont speak to me, you wont bother to talk to me.

its cheating to you.
i dunno why talking to me is cheating.
why bothering to sms me to anwer my quesetion is cheating.
we are frens? no... you are a liar. you said you wont do this to me, but you did.
your a FUCKING liar.
You said you will break up with the girl if she told you not to contact me.
Everything i will remember. You don even bother to meet up with me.
Its ok. you don have to tell me that im important to you.
cause i wont believe your words anymore.
you can tell me your problems, i wont tell you mine.
i can help you with yours, but you cant with mine.
i lost interest in everything.
your world is just brimming with love. good for you.

Im hurt, im angry, im lost.
but at least one thing i know, i will never do this to you.
I wouldnt have hurt you till this extend.
I wont ignore your text if we switched position.
frens and equally important then girl fren. you fail to know that.
you will suffer the after math then.
when you realize everyone has gone. i tried to warn you.

Kiat told me to confront you. to ask to chose.
Not to waste any of our time. im scared of the answer really.
i don want to face reality.

You seem very happy. she gives you 10 times more love than anything i am capable of.
i only can give you worry and unstablity.
Im lost here. you are not here anymore. seriously fucked up.

The pain is not as intense when i don think about it. my frens are great at being my distraction.
Books are great. really.
my fucked up life. my life is not so bad. just that the pain can make someone really emo.

books take my pain away and brings me to another persons world.
At least in books, i know that they will get together one day.

Life however is not a book. i cant read it and feel better.
everything so unsure.. why bother anymore seriously.

Polite is coming up! you haven been to any of my matches.
but i don think you will come anymore.
if not your cheating.
i seriously dunno what do you want me to do.
i hope after that trip you guys will be more "stable".
i don keep friends that dissappear when i really need them and appear 3 months later.

i really want to see you. but i don also.
i dunno whether to talk to you, or to ignore you.
i rather ignore you. but then. not as if you will do anything about it.
you bother to make conversation with me, you wont bother patching it up with me in a fren way.
you will jsut take my attitude. seriously fucking stupid.
Im not worth any of your effort i guess.
I know that not talking to you first was also my fault.
Thinking that you will awlays be there was another of my fault.

I know you liked her.
you were in a crush.
you just took me having another guy that you didnt bother to ask as an excuse to go for it.
well, there you go. Run, run far away.

And please don come back to ngee ann. save me the agony of the awkwardness.
don come ngee ann to date. i will burn SIM.

Im and stronger when i don think about it. but at least im true to my feelings.
I may not like anyone as much as you.
And finding someone else for me takes a long time, and tough testing water period, unlike you.
But i think that. at least i loved you longer then you loved me.
I am more true to myself.
Hani died anyways. i hate you for that. you killed him.

You killed the person i love. and i will never forgive you for that.

We could have had it all.

2011-07-05T13:29:00.001+08:00

13:29

2011-07-05T13:17:00.002+08:00

Todays lam lecture has 29 slides.

the person that made loved me the most was you.
the person who also hurt me the most is also you.

2011-07-05T09:25:00.002+08:00

I learned a new secret from si hao.

if only he had told me at that time about your feelings.
maybe things would have been different.
No, im sure it will be different.

But life doesnt goes the way we wanted right.
Things happens for a reason.
Although sometimes we may not like it.
Most of the time we will never know the reason for it too.

2011-07-04T21:56:00.002+08:00

Oooo. so addicted to panzeee now.

everything is nicer now.
i realise that one of the positive things that turned out was that i got closer to panzee~
Im no longer hong hwee girlfriend. but a real panzee ^^

I really feel that im no longer waiting already.
Im tired of the guessing game and the mental torture.
I no longer keep thinking of scenarios or what if's
Heart pain doesnt mean i want to keep my mind in pain.

I had the talk with all of them again.
Maybe you will blame me for sharing, but they arent your friends only.
They are mine now too.

They are interested in your affairs but you refuse to share with them.
Sometimes i don get you, wee kiat is able to decifer what you mean.
I guess arguring with you is hard. i keep bombing you, you cant tell me how you feel.
and when you actually try to tell me, i don understand.
Sad ain't it.

Maybe its better we are not together, we make both of us sad.

I dunno how to tell you anymore how i feel.
And seriously i don wish to say anymore... imma tired of it.
So i'll just let it all go ba. that what i think is best.

Hahahhas kiat told me to ask you choose.
he knows my deepest desire.. a part of me really want to do that.
But really, i don see the point ba.
First it will put alot of stress and pressure on you which i don want.
And also, i am afraid of the answer.

So why trouble myself?
If you need me, i'll be here. If you're not, im not waiting anymore.
Like to me its like, anything liao ba. not that i don care. but what else can i do?

Jia rong told me that, look at it that if you do come back, treat it like a new story.
A new guy, just another guy that is jioing me.
Which i agree.

Oh Well! hope that your having a blast at bintan!

2011-07-02T17:47:00.003+08:00

Where did you go?
just a simple question that i know no one can answer me.
Or even if they know, they would not tell me.

I don want to keep asking people about you.
I know that will irritate them :(
how do i keep myself in check?
Blogging about it is something i can do to control myself.

Ji De by zhang hui mei became my favourite song now..

I told myself that... after that sms... if you didnt reply me today by the end of my training.
i would give up waiting for your calls already.

And by your 1 month. i would give up waiting, hoping and hurting.
I love you, but this is killing me.
You said i am important friend to you, but where are you?
Words are powerful, you can make me smile by just your voice and words.
But talk is cheap my dear... i cant feel anything.
Once i give up.
i would stop hoping, stop believing and stop trusting you already.

For the longest time, i could have pulled my heart from feeling anything.
That was what i did for the past 8 months.
So once i give up, that is what im going to do.

Giving up doesnt mean stop loving... but the person i love is already gone...

I tried pulling you in, treating you as a fren.
but you still don reply me. Don whatsapps.
As a girl i can think of million reasons why you arent replying.
But whats the use, only you can give me the correct answer.

My trust in you is fading, i know you, i know how you think.. but still its still hurting.
Your not only a fren to me, you were my boyfren, you were my true love, and you are my best fren.
i lost all 3.

I believe that everything cannot be the same anymore.
i dunno what to do. i feel so lost.

So i love you. Panzees are forever here for you. but its not the same for me. you should know that.
Like always, you don't what you want.
Well... someone has to choose right?
Cant you be selfish for once and do something that makes you happy?
Something that you don have to keep disappearing?

Polite is coming. i really wished you could come.
Although im not good, and probably fall down if i see you.
But still.

The reason im typing it here cause i think no one will see it.
and that maybe one day you may see it.
And i don want to keep troubling people to answer questions that even i cant answer.

You waited for me a month, so i returned it.
the only difference was that at least i tried something.
The only difference was that i asked you what was going one.
I didnt went with another guy, you went with another girl.

Its selfish to think that i thought you would only love me.
i was so stupid to really believe that.
im sorry to have told you to go like other girls.
well at least now i know.
Have fun on your trip to bintan.

2011-06-30T23:30:00.002+08:00

Hey hello, another day without ya.
im fine. slowly the pain is going away. its still there, but how do i say? its not as pain as it is anymore.
I really wanted to talk to you.
i held to that promise that you would actually called.
even though i know the percentage of it would be like actually 20% only.
im still stupid enough to hang on to it..
Wendy and Yan told me not to be so dumb!

Even though i really was happy when you said that you wanted to eat with me..
But come to think of it.. why was i so dumb?
I really believed leh.. but how can it be possible right! -.-

Oh well.. at least i got the strudel to you. durian you love.. hiaz..
it was hard.. keeping those stuff. but yeah. i know you need to do it.
i want the ring back. i want both of them. you don need it anymore.

i dunno how to say it.. but the longer this takes.. its harder to get back the past..
im hurting.. i still love you. but im not sure if i want you back. cause its not the same anymore.

i keep thinking to myself.. whether is it the face that i lost you.. thats why i want you back..
or is that i really love you..
i got my answer. although im stupid that i didnt dig deep in my heart to feel the past 8 months.
i was waiting without even knowing.
how stupid is that?

hiazzz.. i dunno.. how to handle this.. i don want anyone else.
i don wan anyone to come in. i just wan the past.
even though i know you may not mean it.. but i can see my hani is dying.
all that left is the new you. i wonder whether you are better than my hani.

im trying to wait for the 1 month.. but i know that once you choose her i will cry again..
i didnt want to have any hope. but its hard to kill it.
i want to tell you that i will be waiting here. but its hard.

i guess all i can say that is, i loved, i still love, but i lost and still loss.
i love you my dying love.
Goodbye.

2011-06-20T14:58:00.001+08:00

Hey yo! i guess that everything now became like this, no point doing anything.
I don think anyone wanna hear me rant any more.

All this was my fault. i really miss you. i really wanna see you.
but hey, i gave up that right long ago.
im such a stupid bitch.

i will wait for you. no matter how long it takes.
cause you the one. the one for me.

2010-10-01T23:12:00.002+08:00

Aw man, feel so fustrated!
LOL people, life, choices..
sometimes its as dramatic as a drama ><

Why i keep asking myself.
Why will you still chose the same thing you know its bad for you.
Why do people have to jump to conclusion.
Why dont you want to listen to peoples explaination!

My god! if everyone were to get their desired outcomes..
There always be someone who is unhappy.
Why some people have to be so indecisive.

i got 3.0455 for a GPA!
some say not good, some say good.
i say its average ba!
But as long as infront is a 3 im happy ^^
didnt work hard this sem..
next sem next sem! jia you!!!

2010-04-18T07:17:00.002+08:00

Today, zk, sushi, dick, jk and zaim stayed over at my house.
Kinda weird.. im more use to hh they all staying over, not that i prefer..
its more like they both are very diff type of group.
Both very diff indeed.

Hiaz.. derrick told me that their brother rule is Zhong She Qing You.
Den Wendy also said that we should be like that too.
I was like... thinking lah.. are we frens like stopping her from meeting kian tee?
Or are we like forcing her not to make him hewr number one?
Which he is currently is like duh...

If she really wanted to have that kind of rule, i wont object, but i guess i don like the term really due to old wounds ba.. kana tramatised..
I was lied to also.
I wonder why this year everything has to be so in detail..
Everything came into light this year.. When everyone is going to be seperated...

As each other frens, we wil know that obviously that their ideal partner is important to them.
And will do our best to help them and such.
We as frens know that our rank aint that highest.
But saying again that you are Zhong She Qing You, is like saying..
If fren and your girl fren drop into the sea, if your girl fren knows how to swim but your fren don, you wont bother about your fren and still go to your girl fren first.

Sometimes i say very mean things.. but i dun think im wrong..
But some things i really am joking.. But some im not.
I mean.. You ask your interest whether she wants anything and don even like ask me , even if for like politeness, when im like right next to her and she is in my house.

i mean, imagine like me and wendy next to each other and you called wendy, i mean you can like ask me also right?
Is zhong she qing you like that? is it really to that extend?
Sometimes we say mean things, or bad things, because we think that is good for you.
Its wat we feel, we think that you deserve better, we think that you are not treated right.
We think he/she's not good for you....

I mean, you don wanna listen is fine. Den i shall not speak anymore.
You make everyone reduce to a whisper and made my com softer just for her.
But when i was sleeping, you didnt even made any effort..
Is this zhong she qing you?
Is it up to this extend?

Den maybe you should teach me how to act ba..
Cause i dun know much about this..
My hani and my frens are important.
In times of trouble, they are equally important.
When both are absent, i will miss them.
When both are angry, i will be sad.
When both need me, i will try my best to be there.
So which of this are diff for zhong she qing you?
They may not have the... how would you put it? "level'?
But they are both important to me.
So please.. if you want me to treat you differently, or you don treat me the same, pls let me know..
Cause i don wanna let my feeling get hurt or be in vain.

This are my feelings, i hope no one will get hurt by them.
Blog allows me to put both happy and sad feelings.
I wanna keep those that are important to me close..

2010-03-28T15:05:00.002+08:00

Is everywhere i turn a sad story?
GOSH!!!
I wish i could go back to primary school..
Where everyone is happy and bulling everyone else.
Girlfren and BoyFren was jsut a day old.
How happy to see everyone smiling, injuries were the last on our minds..
I wish i could turn back time.

2010-03-26T00:18:00.003+08:00

Days fly by..
How i wish i can lie and just stare up into the starry sky.
with my comrades and buddies all beside me.
We will stare into the night.
Hoping that everything will turn out fine the next day.
And just for now, get lost in the moment.

2010-02-06T10:41:00.003+08:00

GOSH!!! A great morning to the world!
hahahas! i found my back up plan! Me and wendy working at a redemtion counter..
Earn 6 dolla an hour by doing absoulutely nothing!
Talk about free money.. im am gonna bring my shows to watch over there. ^^

Well, now a days... everything is falling out and back.
I really dont know wat to do.. or wat to think...
Or maybe i think too much, like wat wendy says. Haha.

I wish to help my frens out, but sometimes i dunno how.
CRAP! hahas anyways, a big jia you to wee kiat! who somehow..
I really wish to work out. it has been so long and i wish him happiness.
hahas GOGOGO~~~

Cant say wat i really want to say sometimes, cause i know i will hurt feelings..
but if i don say i feel like i am going to burst!
wat to do -.- help!

2010-01-13T20:49:00.003+08:00

omg...
ok sorry for not blogging straight after O's.
well..
I TOPPED!!
ok but they spelled my name wrongly... i aint a yang -.-
LOL, but never the less.. i didnt think i could have done it!
i thought i couldnt beat zhi xian! she was like the top and the top for a few years.
lol, i guess it was because of my english ba.
thats the onli sub that is compulsory mah.
9 for L1R4, 12 for L1R5!

hahahas i wonder if i am really going for tourism...
i mean.. in the end... what job will i be doing? receptionist meh?
wat the hell..
im thinking of international business..
but.. wasnt my intention all the while tourism?
HIAZ~!!!~~~

but after taling to my cousins...
i guess they really helped me alot!
thank god i have such smart cousins!!!
HAHAHAS! anyways stephanie gotten 5 for l1r4 and 6 for l1r5
CRAP! why is she so smart -.- hahas! but congrats to her being to able to go anywhere.

hiaz... everyone working.. need to find back up plan. ^^

2010-01-06T12:45:00.002+08:00

hey yo! a new year...new headches!!!
hiaz... RESULTS COMING!!!! everyone RUN!
everything is so early this time, i think school may start early as well.

I guess we all broke our promise.
We promise to play for a month, but in the end?
all wanna work.
Yan working with Ken aunty.
Serene maybe work in the doctors office.
She also ask for the job at the crabtree office, now that it has been confirm, she didnt say which she wanted, so tmr i have to work.
Later she come back den want that job jiu GG.
anywyas now she is on a 5 day trip to hong kong, hope she is safe~

i wonder how will it be life though..
I didnt want to start so early, i wanted to play somemore.
It feels that life wants us all to grow up.
Mature, we cant play forever!

hiaz, i really hoped that i would have a chance to work with wendy.
Didnt ever have a chance to be with her.
At camps we were never in the same group, LOL!
I kinda dread the feeling of going to poly.
bond of friendship will be tested..
but as long as i believe, i think everything will be ok ba.

My friends, you are all important to me..
I do not wish to bid farewell to those days.
I love you guys forever!!!

2009-11-14T10:49:00.003+08:00

AHH!
keep having stupid dreams...
Hiaz.. got to think everything through carefully!
Less the chance of making mistakes..

I dyed my hair!!!!
lol but it was abit crazy...
my mum kept saying that i am not her daughter...
hiaz... den GLENDON TUA keep laughing at my fringe...
NB!
HIaz is my hair really that funny?
but my sisters say its nice!
LOL and i think its ok!
SO, heck liao! ^^

SIan yesterday de seminar was damn boring...
ALl money minded people...
all saying never to work again..
but if you never work.. how to get money?
Go into shares? they think they stock god ah!
dunno anything confirm get burned one -.-
Not working may seem fun..
After 10 years.. you think you wont get bored ah?
Don have a goal in life...

Not for me.. but dunno why so many ppl so high and dancing..
Then there got like so many other country de people.
But its kinda cool lah! that i get to meet so many different people.
I think de part where they teach you to save its ok, but sme parts really is just boring lor to me.
I like fell asleep instantly!
HIAZ! but kinda nice lah, to see uncle and aunty high high shake shake.
LOL didnt know singaporeans can do that! hahas!
2 more days leh..
heng today pon.. my mum lah!
she very good! say i bored.
But she also bored, use me as excuse -.-
tmr going for church! much much much much much much much much more nicer to go ^^
LOL! next week i am literally going to work my butt off!!!!
HELP! LOL
i will try my best! get slim get slim!
NO off day next week!! Preview is next week! GGGGGGGG!!!!
>______________________________________<
Love ya guys! ^^

2009-11-09T23:58:00.002+08:00

hey yoyo...
sian.... amking money is important now...
just feel like there is not enough.... -.-

money makes life easier ba..
not happier... easier...
Then so long never work liao...
kinda miss it! ^^
But now at paragon..
i miss suntec!!!!! T.T
De store room is bigger!
lol and ah bu would not be so stress as to where to store de stock. lol
This year i packer some more sia =.=
Can die! -.-
So stressssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!
I hope i never kana throw plastic bag too much..
i very blur when it comes to packing sia......
i scared give them the wrong things!!!!!

LOL den last year charmaine face will change de! lol like emotionless...
serene also.. last time i though slack de.. but now i know better ><
I RATHER SERVE!!! SERENE CHANGE BACK ! T-T

just now work finish come back liao..
tired ><
money money to shop shop!
LOL! if onli... life was not so boring..
i wonder whether in 2012 we will all die..
-.- hiaz... and i study for wat sia! lol!
BUT!
one thing for certain....
don die a virgin! HAHAS!

but most of me don really believe in that... lol!
i wanna live me life and be happi! lol!
i wanna have kids and a family!
LETs pray den! ^^

2009-10-27T16:46:00.001+08:00

YO ppl! hahas just wanna say..
i read some people blogs..
I realise when people are angry..
They don bother to check their english sometime O.O
Just spam nia! hahas till sometimes i don understand! hahas!

okok.. though its kinda bad..
But sometimes when people scold each other..
it can be quite funny!
and sometimes can even rythmn!

But in anycase....
i guess blogging is kinda public.. so you have to say he or she or he or she..
but sometiems its like kinda obvious -.-
I wonder whether can you sue someone for blogging about you o.o
heheheh... now at pat house using her com..
ok need to study amaths!!!! byebye!

2009-09-11T23:13:00.000+08:00

hiaz.. again again..
again i hurt and get hurt.. lol!

im like such a bad gurl...
crappy crappy.
hmmm... once i get into a fight with him,
i get moody and start to give attitude..
gosh... sorry to my frens!

i just get frustrated with some things that goes on.

O lvl coming ler...
i want to get it over and done with..
done with my school..
de school taht doesnt and never forget your mistakes...
de school that onli cares about getting Atornames? lol not sure how is it spelled.
hiaz. if everyone is so unhappi...
how can anyone do their best?

SOmetimes i wanna just let it all out...
But some frens just suddenly said something that i have to suck it al back in..
LOL not thei fault lah.. just ruin de mood..
lol sometimes.. we give... not to recieve...
we just want to make the person happi!

I just wanna make him happi.
but i dunno how...
No one can teach me.. cause this i have to learn for myself.

2009-08-19T19:28:00.000+08:00

welcome to my pathetic life!
now having the back ache of the centery... gosh.. maybe my back are REALLY heavy!
i hope i don sprain my back too much... -.-
Gotta get all my stuff done -.-
Dnt folio, amaths.. lol! Mra tan actually blew a fuse today! lol disappointed in ours marks.
Miss tan however was cute. she came to tell me i got an A2 and asked me to tell her how i studied..
LOL gotta thank wendy though.. She made me go through the Whole TB with her!
LOL if not i doubt i would have done that..
But though, im kinda happi i didnt fail my amaths..
LOL! though onli got C6. lol -.-
but im confident that.. i can do it.. i am not sure why.. but i don wanna drop a maths!
if my hani can do it. so shall i! ^^

hiaz.. ok heng my mummy bougt the OTO back massage thing.. my back is REALLY killing me! -.-
Then serene birthday is coming.. i planned a sort of shock to her.
But i really hope that the joke would not back fire. cause its kinda bad >
hiaz.. but other than that.. i wanna make it memorable to her..
so that.. even if she gets new frens next time, at least she would remember when she see all this!
LOL!
Sort of feel fustrated now...
WAnna punch someone! ><

I just hated that in life i have to sit and watch people come and go.
I do the same thing..
Man am i childish! LOL!
nah i never thought i was mature anyways.

People can get so attracted to things that would not benefit them in the long run.
no matter what.. you sould not get addicted to anything too much. it aint good!
for example! dota for me! hahas!

i hope tmr would be a better day. though i highly doubt it as got chem! ^^ WAHOOO GG!
cant take away the pain of failure! but we can always say that we tried!
JY to wendy! you can get an A dE!
congrats to Serene, Yan, Pat, Pearl, Li hui, Zk, Zhi Xian..
WAlao so many i don rmb liao! but Congrats to the rest too!
AND congrats to wei sheng who will pei wendy again! hahas! you make her so happi ^^

Crap you all later! ciao!

2009-08-16T18:58:00.000+08:00

Hey yo...
sian sian sian!

lol needa do my amaths... like dog... hahas!
cant believe that i am like a broke gurl..
sadded little me me me!!!

hahas i think me and wendy know wat to buy for pearlina..
just that i don agree on wat wendy likes -.-
HAHAS! pearlina! i hope your tastes is the same as mine! hahas!

but she say she likes it.. gotta see see hard hard before i can say i like it..
gotta buy kiat birthday presi too..
Wendy needa save money too!
lol, hope he wont think its too kp! hahas!

Went facial and let them abuse my face..
poki poki >< squeezy squeezy..
pain pain.. pluck eyebrow hair also nobody notice -.- lol!
but save~ ^^ teacher wont catchy!

Today went to study..
WAlan! still so many amaths to do.. some i also dunno...
i wonder why must rush..
DNT also.. headache lah!
Hahaas den serene birthday coming too..
GOD SAVE ME!!!! ><
Den almost kana thrown out of the library!
lol we 5 ppl, den end up andy sat on the floor..
sian eat with them hor.. need to print money one ><
stupid stupid!

wendy don sad sad! ^^ kiss kiss
sometimes things just sucks!

hahas just wanna say that sometimes the thing that you wanna hide..
may leak out bit by bit..
you can never hide it forever! ><

2009-06-23T14:47:00.003+08:00

HELLO hahas

now today is going to be one of those boring days...
Crappy yeah?
hahas gotta study..
but i really don feel like it..
my my..
die liao! hahahs!
better pray more ^^

Well yesterday i went with serene, shu hui shu juan and their mummy to changi to dig clams!
cool yo! hahas
first time able to dig clams..
den can see the clams react and try to escape ^^
so cute.
and when they wanna breathe, dey will form a tube like thing to breathe!
i wanna go again next time, i can catch, but know nuts about cooking it ><

its also near to the old changi hospital!
Adventure! ^^
plus danger! ><
my mum will kill me if she knew though..
hahas but i guess every kid wanna try something like this once?
but of coz some people wont want.
like wendy chew. lol!

die die don wan. schools are closing, is our school going to close?
Both bad and good about this.
but seriously. if we talk about piorities..
don close better...
unless some one in our sch zhong.
jiu ho sei liao..
lol hiaz...
o lvls? N lvls? how?

CRaP!

2009-06-07T15:55:00.002+08:00

Well once again.
Im shocked beyond my believe..
Everything with relations..
It doesnt go well..

i cant believe that just because on one thing, you can think untill so far..
Whats the point..
I don wan to explain myself.
I just thought you would have know me better than that.

But i guess you passed judgement just like that.
Yawn. Wendy told me her way of thinking. lol! i try to follow ba!

I don understand why people just cannot take something as a game.
Why must every game be serious one?
abit onli jiu scold scold -.-
Very encouraging.

LIKE REAL!
hiaz. sian. i wanna go IMM shop again!
Cant wait to get to sales land! =D
gurls + sales = CHAOS!

2009-06-01T10:43:00.002+08:00

hiaz confused..
i mean.. this is how i am...
and yet.. this makes him sad..
i don like to make him sad.. i hate it.
but, i like to give out hugs.. cause it makes ppl feel not alone.

My past consisted of me being alone with my maid at home.
Parents working.
Now is still the same.
And if you know wat i have been through in the past, maybe you will uds.

I guess thats why i mostly wanna go out all the time.
And mostly want to have 4 kids.
I wanna play play play.

But i have to change. if not, its gonna have bad results.
But its when i feel lonely, or i miss them, den i will like that.
but i guess i need to take note of spaces..
don over do it?

Crap, im not a good girlfren.
HAHAHAS
BOOHOOO!

2009-05-26T21:23:00.000+08:00

hahas today watched the Night in the museum 2!
nice sia! i watched with wei kuan, wen ting and roger ^^

One thing that is attractive in a guy is their passion and drive..
Not those who wander aimlessly and just spending their life doing nonsense things..
Be who ya wanna be!
Have the fire!!!

MOXY POWER! ^^

2009-05-06T17:44:00.003+08:00

i needed a hug today.. but no one gave any..

thats why i like hugs.. cause i know how they make me feel.
tats why i like to give out hugs.. but maybe ppl felt irritated by it..

Yan said that best frens this term is for ppl who are naive..
best frens who know each other well..
Or... maybe try not to let the others get bullied..
Or save them..

My mum said that i treat frens too good? but maybe she is wrong..
I tot.. best frens.. would tell each other everything..
Everything they don like..
everything they like..

But i guess if best frens this term don exist then there isnt a point is there..
I like this term best frens..
I can imagine that we grow old..
go to each other houses..
go out for tea..
chat and bitch...
Is that my wishful thinking?

Am i so bad? Maybe i am..
i guess i didnt know..

HAHAHAS but you know.. i don even know why i cry.
or why i post this post..
Cause i feel lonely now..
I hate feeling lonely..
Being isolated..
but i guess i have to get use to it don i?

If i were rich. i would go away. Far away.
reflect and maybe if i was away long enough, ppl might actually miss me..
or wont find me so irritating anymore..

vrooom far away..
im tactless..
I see how my mother react to me..
i hate her reaction..
i can plain say i HATE it..
but somehow.. i cant say anything..
i really don wanna be like her..
but maybe im too late?

God help me now..
i feel sad.. but i don know why..
yan say cause i care..
i cared too much?
so am i to believe that best fren don exist..
just maybe close frens do?
or am i to adopt that my boy fren is more important then anybody?
i don wanna be like that..
though i love him.
i love my frens too..

i know how it felt.. when ur fren don wan you coz of boyfren.
it hurt.. hiaz.. im lost.. confuse..
maybe.. if i win alot of money.. i should go travelling!
see the sights.. change my char..
lol
because being me.. i hurt ppl.

2009-04-29T21:26:00.002+08:00

PLEASE WATCH THIS!!! SUPPORT THE CAUSE!!!
don just eat cheap food. know what you are eating and wat it is doing to the ANIMALS!!!

http://www.goveg.com/ui_cows.asp
pls watch the other videos!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-29T20:57:00.002+08:00

Happi 14 months hani ^^

Hahas, i am korean drama crazy now!
lol! the korean version of meteor garden is NICE!!!

its called boys over flowers!!! ^^
The Hua Zhe Lei dam DAM DAM DAM DAM shuai lor...
LOL!!!

ALL 4 very shuai!! if got chance go and WATCH!!! ^^ hahas!!
hiaz.. im lazy.

not sure how would i fare at O lvl..
i said to 3 of them if i got all A i would treat them eat. lol!
HArd lah.. but if i got it.. i think i would be too happi to even reject it! LOL

hahas i wanna roller skate again.. thanks to Si hao influence!
lol but skates are EXPENSIVE!!! WAT THE!!!
lol i see one nice one hor.. about 200++++++
cry man.. lol
Never the less.. i shall try!!!
hahas!

My maid Call bill hit the roof and hit my mom anger level..

can you imagine?
$2000++ income cost?
i mean.. who the HELL can talk so much? lol!
oh ok.. her ba..
LOL!

but plus and minus everything..
End up 800+
LOL! singtel confirm love ppl like my maid.. lol!
and this is only the handphone..
IMAGINE my house phone o.O!
lol!

anyways me signing out! ^^

2009-04-15T18:07:00.002+08:00

WAh tired..
Sian.. Must rush my dnt..
Rush untill like siao.. no warning..
Ji tao is summoned lor..

Heng The guys were at my house ^^
they all became my workers!!
Cut paste Cut paste! wahooo good work guys!

Being an observer..
Can tell alot of things..
When a person is mad..
When a group is going through..
Can tell when a person is lonely..

Gotta stop thinking too much about yourself..
SEE the bigger picture..
Man.. Feel like slacking..
Just tired to keep on studying..

Like a Slave to the system!

2009-04-10T20:47:00.002+08:00

my gosh..
I doubt you even know that my blog is up now..
grats to me..

No matter how much a boy can cause the girl is hurt or angry..
ultimately..
The warmth she need is from the same boy..
de same source of hurt or angry is the source of comfort that she needs..

Guys don understand this..
Girls try hard to drill this in..
i think it can just slap them in the face without them realising it..
Crap.

today is like a no life day..
lol Me and serene has no LIFE!^^
so we no life together ba..
sleep at home.

2009-04-10T02:40:00.002+08:00

Fuck..
whats the point of knowing me?
Just say im so damn unreasonable!
wont it make life so much better?

Aren't you suppose to understand me?
Oh so im always so unreasonable?
Bloody hell..

I dont want anything but isolation.

I can take care of myself.
I have learned how too.

2009-04-10T02:02:00.001+08:00

New blog? new life? Tired...
Crap... cant anyone protect me fully?
Is everyone really wanna cover their butts?
At the expense of everyone? my my...
Aint people gonna be sad?

2009-01-16T20:26:00.002+08:00

Great!
hahas late post..
but better than no post..
my Emaths got A2..
my Chinese pass pass ^^
hahas

happy little me..
problem is whether should i retake emaths or not..
Alot of ppl say yes..
alot of ppl say no...
But in the end..
To me.. before the O's.. i would have never gotten an A2..
so im dropping ba..
less stress..

Well CNY deco..
dunno wat to say..
Our class like not enthu enough..
Internal conflict..
Not willing to put aside feelings to help the class win..

so i have nth to say..
Our Class can do great..
but ppl let their feelings get in the way too often.. ><
Nth can be done anymore..

Well today me and wendy fought..
But me and wendy's fight never last over a day de lah..
which is good..
But wat she said was right in the end..
Its not me who is incharge...
so i should not get so work up..
maybe hani right.. i cant take stress ><

I just hate it that ppl are so bo chap..
hiaz.. they live their life, i will live mine..
i'll help you if you need me ^^

At least wendy will enthu with me about deco! ^^
thanks wendy!

Well in the end..
its all about pushing yourselve..
you cant rely on others to push you..
wat is the point? you work for your marks..
but sometimes i know..
parents opinion means the world..

Mine? hiaz.. don bother..
like A2 means small fish to them..
hiaz.. wat is the point?

dnt is now a everyday thing..
scary..
its like pushing and pushing..
MR Wee is a hilarious teacher..
With him.. the lesson mostly fly by..
which in some cases is not good.

Its feels weird..
having some weight lifted.. at the same time..
pressure coming down..
I'm self controling myself.. to do all hw..
of course will relax lah..

Alot of ppl are now working hard!
Wendy, yan and Jin kai are not sleeping in sch anymore!!!
Serene doing her hw? even though she comes back at 12 +++ -.-
act like she graduate ler...
great yeah..

im so proud of my hani ^^
his scores and very good ^^
L1R4 10, LR5 13! ^^
JY JY!!

2008-12-27T11:28:00.003+08:00

SCHOOL GONNA START SOON!!!!

finally...
but haven done any of the english..
Crap... boring piece of paper..
maybe i will try to do later?

Its hard working...
With all the unfairness in some ways..
And the attitude of some people there..
But over all.. i learned alot..
and My ah bu was very nice ..
She is a good lady ^^
THanks AH BU!

im tired...
i feel like taking a trip to an island by myself..
Don feel like being with anybody for a period of time..
I learned not to expect anything, so as not the be disappointed..
Frens.. Boyfrens.. Even my mum..

I will wont buy a present for my mum anymore..
Just save money and give it to her on her birthday, mothers day and christmas..
****ed up with everything..
if she wants to give away to people wat i gave her then be my guest..

too lazy.. too tired.. too ****ed to care..
my tears have all dried up!